Losing weight isn't just a physical thing.

I'm going to be completely honest with you guys, I haven't stepped on the scales since the 1st January; not because I know it's going to be bad - I sort of know by the way I feel I'm around the 11st 4lbs I was then - my clothes arn't too tight and I don't feel "heavy". But I became so obsessive over losing weight; this last stone - which has been the last stone for about 5 months has been the hardest of them all. It got to the stage where everything I'd eat....even fruit & veg and all that goodness I'd be worrying.

I needed to take time out from it all; this coincided with my head not being in the right place either. Losing weight is not simply about the number on the scale; or your clothes size decreasing - it is such a psychological thing. I'm not sure whether it's because I'm slowly learning to like my body - the body that I have created - or whether I'm more aware of it now than when I was almost 17 st but I think about it all the time; and it seems like it gets me down way more than the old body did. I know it shouldn't but when I look in the mirror I don't see a size 12 person; I see the size 22 old me; and this seems to be getting worse the closer to goal I get. I mean yes I've lost 84 lbs and I know we'll always have flaws but the worse thing that gets me down is the lose skin. This is getting better thanks to my Jillian Michaels workouts; and I know it won't happen over night, and it takes time to get better, but the thought of anyone else seeing me like this scares me.

I mean I used to look at my friends who have always been slim thinking that a size 12 was tiny; and impossible to achieve, I never thought I'd see the day where my wardrobe would consist of size 10-12's and I could borrow my friends clothes. And I still don't believe that I'm an actual size 12.

Today for example I wore some uniform to work - it was a size 18 and literally like a dress on me. Why do I even still have this in my wardrobe? It is somewhere I don't want to go back to.

This is turning into me just waffling on. Any way what I'm trying to say is taking this 3 weeks out; I haven't binged or anything - I've been making wise choices, and exercising. But I'm trying to not to focus on the scale. I've decided come 1st Feb I will weigh and take my measurements, and hopefully by then I will be back in the right mindset to start tracking and get fully back on the wagon. I mean I've lost 84 lbs surely I can kick butt and lose these last pesky 13lbs!!

"you haven't failed until you quit trying" and I sure as hell haven't given up yet!!!

Love as always
xxxxxx