Enjoy life now, It is not a rehearsal.

Hey there guys!

So it's been a while since I've tended to this little blog....479 days to be exact!

Well what's gone on since then? I've not lost much weight, I've run another marathon, I'm still battling with depression and anxiety, I've moved flats and I've got a new job.

This post is more of a bit of self help I guess where things have been a bit manic of late and I haven't taken time for myself and my mental health is suffering because of it and I feel like I need to sort my sh*t out.

I rejoined Weight Watchers on 26th June this year, I'd dabbled with Slimming World at the back end of last year, lost half a stone but my heart wasn't in it. Now I'm currently paying £21 a month, putting a whole load of pressure on myself to lose weight and I've lost a grand total of 5 lbs. Yes that's right I've paid £63 to lose 5lbs. Now I'm not slating the plan, it works..in the first 3 weeks I lost 8lbs and have messed around since then.

I've used excuse after excuse, work, getting a new job, social events.

But why am I putting so much pressure on myself? Yes I want to be healthier, I'd love to be a couple of dress sizes smaller but do I need to put so much pressure on myself that it's making the situation worse?

I'm a size 14/16 which is the UK average, I've got a reasonable level of fitness, and a social life I enjoy; too much some times. So why am I striving to be something/ get somewhere and waiting until I am there to be happy? I should be happy where I am now.

I'm an emotional eater, always have been and always will be. And this is where my depression, anxiety and weight loss go hand in hand. I self sabotage. I don't exercise because I'm too scared to go to the gym or I eat because I hate how I look (yeah never understand the logic in that one!)

It's gotten to a point where I need to address the issues, individually and being happy where I am now, rather than waiting for a specific event to be happy.

Do I now how I'm going to address these? Not really, I'm open to ideas so please feel free to drop me a message.

Anxiety - I know what triggers it, I'm pretty good at recognising the triggers but awful at dealing with it. My good days have been way more than my bad days lately, but bad days tend to hit me like a ton of bricks and I need to work on dealing with them.

Weight loss - well I'm so unsure as to what to do here. I need to take the pressure off myself without getting back to square 1.

Hoping that regularly blogging about life, weight, random ramblings will give me some focus again. So you'll be seeing a bit more of me around here :)

The past is a place of reference, not a place of residence.

For a long time I have been living with regret, living in the past, living with the "what if I had done this differently" attitude. Now that is not a great way to live and it has been a challenging year but one that I am proud to say I feel like I am coming out of the other side of. 

It's been a challenging year, and this isn't a sob story post but more to let people know that if you feel like I did then you are not alone, and I promise you things get better. The last 12 months I felt like most days were a challenge, there was a period of about 6 weeks when I had my breakdown when getting out of bed was a massive effort and I would congratulate myself for getting up and dressed, slowly that became easier - I went back to work, I started seeing my friends again. I took one step at a time on the road to recovery. Looking back now I can't believe how low I got. Now I know depression isn't solved over night but I am in a *much* better place now than I was then. I am happy again, and that has been a long time coming. 

Recently things have been falling into place - I have found myself just thinking how contently happy I am, I find myself smiling again and I am confident again, I'm excited for the future- something that this time last year I honestly didn't think was possible, as I used to dread every day. And I am so damn proud of myself for that. 

I have been on anti depressants for about 18 months now. I had my dose upped when I had my breakdown, I reduced this (with my doctors supervision) at Christmas to half the dose, and then decided to ween myself off them. Don't ever do this people - I went a bit cray cray and poor Jon was a star putting up with me - I was a nightmare to live with for about 2 weeks before I realised it was a bad idea and went back to the doctors and they told me to start taking them again. Because although I thought I was doing well then - looking back now I was far from ready to come off them but I judged myself for being on "happy pills" as I referred to them, I know that's stupid but it's the way my little mind works. Recently though (with my doctors supervision this time) I have started to ween myself off them and I am feeling great, I am not relying on the pills; although I am taking one day at a time - but these individual days are adding up to weeks and months, which helps with everything else falling into place. 

This weekend something clicked for me - the self love, the belief in myself and the recognition that I am worth it. I am worth investing in my body, I am worthy of taking an hour out a day to go running, I am worthy of going out with my friends and not feeling like a burden.. the list goes on. I am starting to feel like the 24 year old that I am, and that feeling is great. I feel so much more confident in myself. And confidence is the best accessory a girl can have!

I have learnt not to regret the past, I cannot change it and living with regret prevents me of having the future that I can create and that I deserve. The last year or so has been a tough one, and I would not have got through it without the love and support of my amazing family of friends. Surrounding yourself with love may feel like the worst thing in the world when you just want to be alone, but at times forcing myself to do so was the best thing I could have done as it has got me where I am today. 

For a long long time I have beaten myself up about my weight gain, and well that is not going to get me any where - other than fatter as I emotional eat and that's a vicious circle....I've had every excuse under the sun going as to why I put on weight and the reality is I put the food in my mouth and I did it. And I am the one that is going to work my ass off and get healthier and fitter again. 

As I sit here and write this post I am home alone - Jon has gone away for 3 days with work and even only a few months ago this would have sent my anxiety sky high. This time though I was looking forward to it, having my own space and routine for a couple of days (and I get to watch all my trashy TV without him moaning!) 

No I don't have the perfect life and I don't live through rose tinted glasses that things will always be this great, yes I know I will have bad days and sometimes my anxiety makes an appearance. However I am in such a better place right now I know things will never be as bad as they have been in the past, and I am the one that has put the effort into making me this strong again.

Spicy Chicken Noodle - The Skinny Grub

A couple of weeks ago when I was lying in the sun and a message popped into my inbox on twitter about whether I would like a copy of a cook book to review I jumped at the chance. A) because I love food. B) I'm a sucker for making the same thing week in week out & always need new ideas.

Jayne who has written "EAT to your heart's content..without the guilt" has written this cook book alongside her weight loss with Slimming World but the book can be adapted to any weight loss plan/ healthy eating lifestyle.

My other half opened up the book for a browse before I had even got my hands on it and instantly made a mental note that we had to make the Spicy Chicken Noodle soup as soon as possible, which I agreed with as soon as I had read it as it sounded delicious and when we made it last night it certainly didn't disappoint.

When I say "we" made it...I actually mean my personal chef AKA Jon my boyfriend! And the great thing about this recipe was that it is pretty much a 1 pan meal, so for the rule in our house "whoever doesn't cook does the dishes" meant I wasn't left with a sink full of saucepans either! Winning.

I gave Jon my phone and made him take step by step photos (he needs to work on this as I only got 3!) and ensured that he gave me a step by step guide about how simple the recipe was to make.

The recipe is for 4 people so we just halved everything for the 2 of us.

Ingredients (for 4 people)
1.4 litres chicken/veg stock
5cm ginger, thinly sliced
1 stick lemon grass (we didn't use this as our local Asda have stopped selling it!)
1 red chilli, halved
5 tablespoons soy sauce
2 tablespoons sweet chilli sauce
4 boned chicken breasts, fat & skin removed
200g dried rice noodles
6 baby bok choy, sliced (we used pak choy as it was the closest alternative that Asda had)
12 basil leaves (we omitted these as Jon hates basil)
12 mint leaves
handful of beansprouts - optional (again we omitted these as Jon hates these too!)
1 red chilli, thinly sliced into rings
3 spring onions, shredded
2 tablespoons chopped coriander - optional (again, you guessed it we omitted these as Jon isn't a fan!)

Recipe

Add the stock, lemon grass, ginger, chilli, soy sauce and sweet chilli sauce to a pan, bring to the boil & reduce to a simmer. Add the chicken (at this point we were unsure whether the chicken should be cooked or raw, so we browned the chicken before adding) and continue to simmer until cooked, about 15 minutes. Remove the chicken, set aside and keep warm (we placed ours in the oven on low). Then remove the ginger, lemon grass and chilli and discard.

Bring back to the boil, add the rice noodles and simmer for the next 3 minutes, or until cooked. Add the bok choy and simmer covered for a further 1 minute. Turn off the heat and leave for 2 minutes.

Thickly slice the chicken and add to serving bowls. Divide the basil, mint & beansprouts between the bowls and ladle over the soup. Serve garnished with chilli rings, spring onions and coriander.

This came out at 543 calories per serving - although we used slightly more than 200g of rice noodles.

Our kitchen smelt divine when this was cooking, and certainly increased my expectations of what I was expecting to taste. And wow it was like a party in my mouth - the soup wasn't too spicy, although if you wanted more spice you could add more chillies. Jon gave this a massive thumbs up for both ease of cooking and taste - so much so he wants it for dinner again this week!

Head over to The Skinny Grub on Facebook or Twitter to find out more about Jayne and her delicious recipes. I'll be working my way through the book over the next couple of weeks with "guilt free guacamole" and "Chinese Duck" top of my hit list!

Half Marathon #4 - Swansea Half Marathon

Yesterday I ran my 4th half marathon - The Swansea Half, on my 24th birthday, if you follow me on Instagram or Twitter you'd have known as it's all I have gone on about for weeks.

I always knew this was going to be a tough run - I'm around 4 stone heavier from when I ran my last half in 2013 and around 2 stone heavier from when I ran the marathon in 2014. I also hadn't stuck to my training as well as I should have - hindsight is a wonderful thing! It is amazing how much muscle memory your legs have as the great news is I completed it without dying - more on my incident at mile 10 later!! But it was way harder than I had anticipated due to the crowds - well lack of.

All my previous runs I have done; Bristol, Bath, The GNR & London have always had the streets packed with supports, often 2 or 3 deep in the crowds and finding loved ones was always a challenge. So I was expecting the same - I mean why wouldn't it be - watching half marathons are so inspiring if there was one in your local area you'd go out and watch; plus what else are you going to do when all the roads are closed! Swansea was the complete opposite - there was literally no one- I mean no one apart from the race makes and a handful of people every mile or so. And as great as it was to have those race makers there, I needed more people. When runners say the crowds carry you for the last couple of miles we mean it!

It may have had a lack of supporters because it is only the 2nd year that the Swansea Half has been held, however it could have done with more publicity as friends I know who live in Swansea didn't even know it was being held on Sunday!

There also appeared to be a lack of atmosphere - it was very much a runners run, rather than a run that has a lot of charity runners and us slow ones at the back. There was no charity village at the start/finish and I only saw a handful of people in fancy dress whereas I saw hundreds of running club vests etc. Which is absolutely fine if that is the race you want to hold, but I think it should be made clear to us charity runners that it is more of a competitive run.

I got to Swansea at around 8.00 and parked easily - a big bonus that all council car parks are free on a Sunday and with 4 in walking distance of the start line there was plenty of choice. We got to the starting area and I went for my usual wee straight away as I hate stopping on the course for a wee. I was disappointed that even at 8.10 there was no loo roll in the portaloo's - I mean how hard is it to supply enough loo roll!? Jon and I then wandered around for a bit  to visit the charity tents - of which there was 2! The race was due to start at 9.15 and nerves were starting to set in - which meant one thing - I needed to wee again!! However the massive lack of portaloo's meant the queues were horrendous, so we dived into McDonalds in the hope we could use the toilets in there - of which everyone else had the same idea. Although the queues weren't quite as long I still queued for 40 minutes( I may or may not have contemplated using the mens). Although I missed the first 2 pen calls I wasn't overly concerned as I was the last starting pen so had a little bit of time to play with. But the organisers severely underestimated the amount of portaloo's needed for 5000 runners, hopefully they will take this on board and put some more in next year, but a massive thanks to McDonalds for allowing everyone to use the loo's in there!

The race started well, it was hot but not unbearable. The first 3 miles went by quite quickly; I was running just behind the 2:30 pacer and was feeling strong. It was a very flat course which is always a bonus, I knew once I had got to the half way point and turned back that I could do it. Around mile 5 it suddenly hit me that I was running a half and that I had got this far and I could finish - I just needed to bottle that feeling for when I hit the inevitable wall!

Turning round at mumbles to come back up to the city was tough - I saw the tall tower in Swansea that is a mile from the finish line and muttered "F*cking h*ll that's a long way"...didn't realise with my headphones in quite how loud I had said this as the lady next to me patted me on the back and said "it's not too far love we can do it" which is what I love about running, everyone supports each other.

The 2nd leg of the race was a strange one - it was on the footpath along the sea front, which was great views but strange to run on as it wasn't cordoned off for the race so there was people walking on it in your way! Now I know the organisers have had some issues with the council and the roads being closed and reopened by a certain time - but surely holding a half marathon in the city everyone should embrace it even if it does mean the roads are closed for a few hours. If London can deal with road closures for a day I am sure Swansea can!!

My wall came, as I knew it would around mile 7.5, I honestly wanted to cry. So I looked at my phone, text a few people (pretty proud of my ability to run and text if I do say so myself) looked at some tweets I had received and knew that everyone was backing me so I needed to back myself. As Jon said to me "your body has done this twice over, dig deep" so I did. I had 1.5 miles until I knew Jon was at mile 9. I could get there then it was all mind games until the finish - Water stations, double figures, Rhian at mile 12, gel taking, the finish; it's amazing the things you do to count down the miles.

I must shout out to the guy at mile 8ish who heard me ask when the next water station was to be told it was another mile and he gave me some of his water; another example of the kindness that us runners show towards others.

Mile 9 came around and I could see in the distance Jon stood at the side. It wasn't hard he was the only person stood there apart from a race maker on the other side of the path! He gave me a hug, asked how I was and jogged with me a little bit. I waved by to him as I got onto the sandy path and said I would see him at the finish line.

It was now the count down to double figures and then I was on the home straight. I was looking like I would finish around 2:45. Then my ipod died; but that's OK I would just stream the radio on my phone - but that wasn't playing ball so I sacked off the headphones and decided to soak up these last 3 miles. Then I had the most awful pain I have ever experienced in my life. I honestly thought I was paralysed - turns out I just had cramp in my foot. I had stopped at the side of the road and tears streamed down my face, I didn't know what was happening nor what I needed to do. I waved down to the race maker who was about 300 meters away and he came running over. Got me to sit down and got my shoe off. Jon then saw me and came over; literally threw an energy gel down my mouth along with the water whilst the race maker made me stretch my foot. I stopped crying, realised I wasn't going to be paralysed and that it was just cramp and that I had another 2.5 miles to go. With my trainers back on, water in hand and a kiss from Jon I was off.

Mile 11 came and went - the next milestone was mile 12 where I knew Rhian was and then it was the home straight. Rhian saw me coming from about 500 feet away from where she was. Despite her dodgy knees she came running down to me grabbed my hand and ran the next half a mile with me; whilst the police sang happy birthday to me. I wanted to die with embarrassment but that would have used too much energy. It was just the boost I needed to get through the last mile. I turned back up Wind Street where Jon was there with words of encouragement that the finish was just around the corner - it was actually 3 corners but I'll let him off!

I finished bang on 3 hours, not a personal best but I never wanted it to be. Yesterday's half was about overcoming the challenges I have faced mentally over the last year and I did it. I couldn't walk for a few hours but a massive burger and bottle of champagne soon sorted that out!

There were definitely some positives of this race, but more so negatives and that means Swansea Half won't be on my to do list again any time soon. If you are thinking of running it next year, here is my round up of positives & negatives

Positives

• The route - "from the city to the sea" is so true and it is a great route
• The car parking around Swansea on the day
• Having your name printed on the bib - it encourages people to shout your name & that gives us runners a boost
• Having the timing chip in the bib rather than a chip for your shoes
• The race makers were second to none and were a great support

Negatives

• Toilets - has to be top of the list for me; it's not hard to supply enough toilets & loo roll!
• Water bottles - have sports tops not screw tops; do you know how hard it is to unscrew a bottle, drink out of it & do it back up whilst running? Hard!
• Supporters - every race needs them and you need to get the cities buy in if Swansea Half wants to be one of the best in Wales
• Foil blankets - I didn't receive one at the end & the do make a difference.
• Photos - make the search ability on photo's a bit more "in your face" as I had trawled through photos for an hour before I came across the search function.

Overall it was a great way to spend the morning of my 24th birthday as nothing can take away that sense of achievement. Heres to the next one in 13 weeks! 

A few pictures of the day :)

Reality.

In 2010 I started my weight loss journey and over the next 3 years I proceeded to lose 6 1/2 stone, in May 2013 I was 5lbs from goal. I got featured in magazines for my weight loss, gained followers on Twitter and Instagram for "being inspirational" I made myself, my family and friends proud. Since then I have put 5 stone back on. And until now haven't admitted in to any one, not even myself to some extent. And for my friends and family reading this it is probably the first time I'll have admitted to them how much I have put on. Although they obviously already know as you can't really hide a 5 stone weight gain can you? And my mum well she has a sixth sense and probably knows the exact numbers, plus has put up with my tears and tantrums (literally) over it! Thanks mum!

It's strange how you don't see the weight creeping on and how easy it is to kid yourself that you haven't put anything on. Squeezing into your clothes that are now too small for you.

I have been praised by my friends and family, been in magazines for my weight loss, have followers on social media because of my weight loss and here I am lying to myself at how much I have gained, and feeling like I shouldn't have all these followers and friends I have made through weight watchers, through twitter and Instagram because I'm not really that person any more am I? It's funny how I'm the only one judging myself for this - in my eyes I feel like I have failed, like I'm a fraud. And I know all of those people still love me (or at least I hope they do!)

And I guess by writing this down I'm drawing my line, moving on to the next stage of my weight loss journey.

The last 2 years have been tough, I guess in my heart of hearts I knew the weight was creeping back up, especially after I had run the marathon. I stopped running which again I kidded myself that "having a little break" would be ok... I did a few runs here and there but nothing compared to what I was. Timehop is a killer sometimes reminding me how quick I used to run!

I used excuse after excuse. Being in a relationship, losing a baby, moving in with Jon, having a breakdown, the anti depressants, even the marathon I used as an excuse to eat! All of these happen to each and everyone of us but I chose to eat my way through the tough times and that has got me here now.

This reality check for myself has been coming for a while - I went shopping with my mum for an outfit a month or two ago, had a melt down in the changing room and had a strop like a 5 year old because I refused to by a certain clothes size! I hate how much more I care now - hell when I was 18 and a size 22 yes I didn't like that I couldn't walk into any shop and by anything but I don't remember crying almost daily about it.

I guess the difference between now and then is what I know. As cliche as it sounds I didn't know any different then. I didn't know what it was like to be healthy, I didn't know what it was like to run up the stairs without wanting to die at the top, I didn't know what it was like to run, I didn't know what it was like to walk into any shop and pick up whatever I wanted and know I wasn't going to look like a sack of sh*t. All I ever knew was being fat. And I want to be healthy again. And I will.

Everything culminated after a rather large melt down I had caused by a swim suit and a pair of shorts! First of all the swimsuit was a size 16  whereas all my other holiday clothes were a 14 and then the shorts were an 18! Now I know that all shop sizes vary blah blah blah. But it hit me, hard. I had put the weight back on and in my mind I was back to square one. Yes I'm not the size 22 I used to be and yes I know it's not all about a clothes size but running. Running I used to be able to run a 9.30/9.45 mile. Now I'm dying running a 11.30/12 minute mile. That hurts a lot. Mentally and physically its tough, knowing that I had worked so hard to get to where I was and in what seems like a blink of an eye I am back to square one.

It's tough going out, I'm no longer the confident bubbly person I was. I can blame that on the depression, the anxiety or the weight gain. But as hard as it is staying in bed and crying isn't going to get me to where I want to be. I want to have fun again and I want to be proud of myself.

I needed to stop kidding myself. It's time to stop making excuses. It's time to be healthy. It's time to be happy again.

Here's to the next stage of my journey. As the title of my blog says "you haven't failed until you quit trying" and I certainly haven't quit.



xxx

How can something so 'normal' be so completely and utterly terrifying?

I haven't blogged in a while, maybe because my laptops been broken and I don't like blogging in my iPad (yet here I am doing just that) maybe because I've wanted to pretend my life is hunky dorey and that everything is ok. And to most it would seem that way. 

Either way the last couple of weeks have been an eye opener for me, I've acknowledged things that I've just brushed over in the past, things that are impacting my day to day life, things I need to get a hold of & work with. 

Back when I had my 'breakdown' I don't really like calling it that, but that's what it is. I was seeing my counsellor, I was put on anti depressants and I put in place coping mechanisms. Which worked, and are still continuing to work. 

But over the last year I've changed, I've changed a lot. I've gone from being that outgoing bubbly character to someone who hates going out, who feels uncomfortable when out, someone who has to have a plan and stick to it or I freak out, I would much rather hide away in my little apartment and pretend everything is ok. I miss the *old* me, the spontaneous me. 

What I've realised over the last few months that alongside my depression I'm living with anxiety. As I look back I can't believe that I'm someone who lives with anxiety. But it's real, I deal, well try and deal with it on a day to day basis. I'm hoping that now I've acknowledged it I will start to cope more so than I have been. 

I'm not one for New Years resolutions, but I want, and will make 2015 my year. I vowed to get some one the 'old' me back. It's little things like booking a weekend in London with my girls, previously it would have done this a few times a year, wouldn't have thought about it and just gone! However, I put a lot of thought into it - had questions like do I deserve a weekend away? Should I go? Can I cope? But I'm putting all of those behind me and I've booked the weekend and I'm going. I deserve to go. There is nothing I won't be able to 'cope' with. I'm with my best friends and will be ok. 

I've also signed up to a half marathon, being brutally honest I can count on one hand how many times I've run since the marathon! I need something to get my focus back, something to allow me 'Elle' time, to focus on me, to relax and know I deserve some time out. It's going to test me, both physically and mentally, but I can and will do it. And what better way to do it than with one of my besties?

One of my biggest anxiety fears I need to work on; is being on my own. I rely on Jon *so* much. I'm ok if he has plans to go out and I know a few days in advance, but I freak out if these change, or if it's something I don't know about. I should love this time on my own - time to see my friends. But in the depths of my depression I didn't feel like I deserved to see anyone. So I would completely rely on him. I guess in a way I've dug myself a hole. I know I have amazing friends and family around me that will support me all the way. But sometimes you need to do it on your own, however

hard that is, but with them by your side.

I'm working on this anxiety. I have good days and bad days; more recently bad. But I guess acknowledging it is the first step to helping myself. 

If you have any hints/ tips to coping with anxiety I would be grateful to hear them. 

Xx

Weight Watchers V Slimming World

I'm sure I've had this debate many times before but I'm going to have it again.

Weight Watchers V Slimming World.

I've done both - With Weight watchers I lost 6 stone, was 5 lbs from goal. Fell in love, got complacent had a sh*t year, put 4 back on. Slimming World, I've lost 6lbs in 8 weeks.

Weight watchers pros and cons

* I know the plan
* It's worked previously
* I will always love weight watchers
* Flexibility between points & filling and healthy.
* Easier to follow with random nights /meals out - weekly points

* Meetings may be more tricky now I am back at work full time
*Will I get complacent again

Slimming World pros and cons

* It's lifestyle friendly
* Jon prefers the recipes - living with him it is vital he supports the plan I follow
* Meetings are more accessible
* I like the shiney certificates & stickers

* I've only lost 6lbs in 8 weeks.
* When I go out I go completely off plan as I feel I can't stick to it


To be honest I'm really struggling so much with weight loss at the moment, I can't put my finger on it. But I know I need motivation back. I had a massive heart to heart with Jon last night and he pointed out how when we first got together I was going to the gym 3/4 times a week, running 3/4 times a week and eating healthily - even when we went out and was losing weight. Now I don't run, I go to the gym, I don't eat as well as I should. I can't completely blame my depression and what I've been through the last year - there is only so many times I can use that as an excuse. I have to remember my end goal, remember how well I feel when I am 100% on plan and lose weight, remember that motivation I had - I lost 6 stone I must have it in me some where!

I've done it before, I can do it again, I just need to find what is going to work for me at the time in my life. Give it my 100% attention and believe that I can do it.

Please if you have an advice for finding my mojo again please pass on your words of wisdom.

xxx

Surgery.

For as long as I can remember I have whole heartedly been against gastric surgery. Why? I've always seen it as the easy way out, the quick fix. But do I think this because this is what society is "taught" to think. I've never previously done any research into gastric surgery - just quick to assume. The same with such "soup and shake" diets as I often refer to them, I have fond memories of being in university and the girls I lived with used to mute the TV when Jenny Craig or other adverts came on because I would get on my soap box about it.

My mum has always said she want gastric band, I have always bottom line said a big fat NO. So when a recent visit to the doctors started this process of gastric surgery it was all happening a bit to quick for me to come to terms with. How do you accept something that you have always, always, been against. But why am I against it? Perhaps it is jealousy that I work hard day in day out to see the scales go down when it is often portrayed that gastric surgery is the quick fix - something I now know it is not. Stigma - there is, like with everything stigma against gastric surgery - people seen as lazy, that it is there own fault - I don't want that stigma for my mum. I know how much this surgery means to her, how excited she is about it - and like she has been there for every decision I have made, I have to be there for her too.

This post was sparked by an article I read online about how a woman had lost so much weight with the quote "wants people to help lose weight the healthy way, not cheat with gastric band". Previously I would have skimmed over this article, but I read it. It angered me. In no way is a gastric band cheating. It is often the last resort, when people are at a weight that they would benefit from drastic weight loss in a short space of time - for health reasons it is the option. Often not accessible to some people on the NHS as there are certain criteria to fill such as not being able to work, not getting out of bed, and being on benefits as well as a long list of other boxes to tick. So basically if you are fat but you can get off your bum and go to work the NHS won't help you. Yes the NHS offer referral schemes to things such as slimming world and weight watchers but they don't work for everyone. The debate about gastric surgery being unhealthy is something I have learnt in the last few weeks is a load of rubbish. The team that you see make sure pre surgery you are as healthy as you can be, giving you a diet plan to follow to ensure minimal risks of complications, and post surgery you see dietitians to ensure you are still getting all the healthy stuff our bodies need you are getting.

Having done quite extensive research recently into gastric surgery I have in fact realised it is not the easy way out. There is so much more to than just having surgery and eating smaller portions afterwards. There is the psychological element. When you've been large and eating what you want all your life, to then go to having to eat liquidized food for a while & much smaller portions to never being able to eat what you want has got to be hard - mentally. I know I couldn't do it.

The surgery part scares me - but it's done through keyhole surgery, and the consultants have all said there is minimal risk so fingers crossed everything will go smoothly.

It has taken me a few weeks to get to this point, of accepting gastric surgery. But what it comes down to at the end of the day is life and death. It sounds harsh, and when someone first said that I had to accept mums decision because it was the choice of having her around for 20 years or 40 years I cried. I knew it was true. But it's so hard to come to terms with. But I have. I have to. I know that mum wants this more than anything and is so excited about it - I'm now excited for her too, for her to begin her new life after the surgery.

Side effects

My first few weeks on slimming world went really well - in my first 2 weeks I lost half a stone, my motivation was still there but I was struggling, I had an unexpected gain and for a day or two I went into self destruct mode but clawed it back with a 1lb loss.

This week I maintained, which yes I know is better than a gain but it's frustrating really frustrating. And it got me thinking. One of the side effects of my anti depressants is constipation, I'm managing that at the moment with the help of my doctor but doing some further reading last night another "very common" side effect is weight gain.

This week apart from Friday night I have been super good and actually felt like I had lost weight - I really should measure my inches as I should practise what I preach when I say take your measurements as the number on the scale isn't everything!

I'm not looking for excuses as to why I'm struggling, I'm looking more for answers and how I can combat things that are against me. But I guess the tablets could be one of them. I'm not ready to come off the tablets just yet so I've got to find a way around it. 

Have any of you struggled with side effects of tablets and have some methods that could help? I would love to have some different things I could try. 

Xx

Bad Days - The root cause.

We all have bad days, and we have good days. The thing about these days is we cannot plan for them, when we get up each morning we don't have a crystal ball that tells us what the days events will be so we can plan accordingly - if only!

What we can do, is recognise when a day isn't going as well and put coping mechanisms into place. I find this tough. Really tough. Not the coping mechanisms bit but recognizing when a day is going down hill.

This weekend was the first weekend I had been alone since my melt down, Jon was going away Saturday afternoon to Monday. I was OK with this, I'd planned things to do, to have some me time. And the weekend started well - I didn't cry when Jon left which I was really proud of!

Monday came around a lot quicker than I thought, and first thing I was OK, I was excited to see Jon. Yes I know it had only been 2 nights but when I'm used to seeing him every day it was tough! I went to do the food shop - probably a bad idea, I'd walked there as Jon had my car - it's a mile or so there which would have been fine had it not been hammering it down with rain & the fact I brought our weekly shop and thought I was invincible and could carry it all home. I couldn't. To me that was that I'd failed, I got half way looking like a drowned rat and gave in and got a cab.

Jon then got stuck in horrendous traffic on the M5 so a 1.5 hour journey turned into a 4 hour journey which made me anxious that we weren't going to be able to spend the afternoon together.

I bailed on my gym class, wrong I know as it would have helped me feel a bit better - one of my coping mechanisms is exercise - happy endorphin's and all that jazz! 9pm came round and I broke down. I'd been a complete b*tch to Jon since he had got home. And why? Because I'd been on my own all afternoon? Because he got stuck in traffic? Because I'd eaten crap all weekend? These are all things I blamed - the thing with depression is it is so hard to pinpoint what causes a bad day.

One thing I hate about depression, is that by not identifying the root cause of my bad days I take it out on the people I love most. Yet they still stand by me, and for that I cannot be grateful enough. If it wasn't for the love and support of my mum, Jon and my friends these last few weeks I can guarantee that I would not be where I am today.

So lying in bed reflecting, it hit me that I had never looked at a day and thought what was the root cause for that day turning bad. Subconsciously and what I finally admitted to Jon is that I was bricking it about going to work for my first 9 hour day, I had struggled so much when I did a 5 hour day! So how on earth was I going to get through a 9 hour day?!

Tuesday was a new day, I wasn't going to let the fact that Monday wasn't great ruin Tuesday. I got through the day at work -  although I am cream crackered today! But I did it.

From now on when I know a day isn't going too well I am going to take 5 minutes to sit and think of the root cause and that way I will have a better chance of turning it around.

Something I would say to you, whether it's to do with depression, weight loss is don't let one bad day ruin your week. It's not worth it and you can do it. Each day is a new day.



xx

Finding my running mojo!

Running was something I started on my weight loss journey to help me lose weight, I began to love it and started completing races. Marathon training changed that for me, I'm not saying that you can't train for a marathon and not enjoy it but I started to hate running. I've learnt that this is most likely because I was in the depths of depression as well and wasn't getting help for it. 

Since April 13th - marathon day. I can count on one hand how many times I have run. And even then I've run because I had to, because I didn't want to let people down, because I'd run a marathon I was expected to run. I even had a half marathon entry for my birthday - something I asked for in the hope it would push me to start running again. 

Last night I had that moment, you know like a lightbulb moment. I remembered all the times I'd run, how good it made it feel, the sense of achievement, the feeling it gives you, the time it gives you to yourself. So I decided I was going to lace up my trainers and run. 

This morning I downloaded the C25K app. I thought it would be a good place to start, I know I'm not at marathon level and I'm my head I can't run a mile. So I set off with my brisk 5 minute walm up, something I never usually do on a run but I felt it was good - it gets you in the right frame of mind for a run. 

Then the running and walking intervals began, honestly - I found it easy. I ended up running when I should have been walking and vice versa as it meant I was running for slightly longer. I wasn't out of breathe when I finished, my legs didn't ache. But I had a sense of achievement - I'd run, I'd run because I wanted to, because I wanted the me time, because I chose to run. 

So although I won't be using the app again it has given me the confidence that I'm not as rubbish as I thought I was, that I can still run. 

However, with the half marathon I have a place in being 4 weeks today I am in 2 minds whether to defer. I know physically I should because just because I ran 2 miles easily today - 13 is a whole different ball game but in my heart I don't want to because it's like I'd have failed. The verdict for today is out on this one but I  will be sensible in my decision. 

Going back to work

For most of us we get up every day and go to work with no issues. And that is something I have been doing since I was 16, throughout my 3 years at university I worked. Only having time off for holidays, I am not one to go sick. In a management position, or even as a colleague as I was at university I wouldn't and don't like to go sick.

So for me having 5+ weeks off was hard, really hard. Initially I was signed off for 2 weeks. I could cope with that, my first week off was a blur. What I didn't know and what I struggled with was being so debilitated but not having anything physically wrong with me. People would say to me if you had a broken leg you wouldn't be in work and depression is the same, but there is so much stigma around depression that makes it difficult for people to accept depression and learn to live and cope with it.

As the time went on with the tablets kicking in and my counselling sessions helping I would do things with my days, at first it was just going for a walk, but slowly it would be meeting friends for coffee, doing the shopping or joining Slimming World. That was a tough day for me, I'd had a rubbish nights sleep which doesn't help and I'd planned to join on the Thursday evening but I figured a morning class would give me something to do whilst I was off and it meant I wasn't going to miss out on time with Jon once he had finished work. The consultants and the class were so welcoming and although they don't know that I suffer with depression and how nice it is to go to meetings and be surrounded with support they really have helped and motivate me.

I was then signed off for another 4 weeks, I remember going to the doctors and expecting him to tell me to go back to work and that was it; and I know there is so much talk about how easy people get signed off work, but I am truly grateful for him signing me off for that little bit longer. At the time I didn't know I needed that extra time off, but I do know and am grateful for it. Although I am going back before my sick note is up, that was my decision liaising with work and my doctor as it feels like the right decision for me.

Whilst I was starting to go out more I was also ridden with guilt, I was signed off work ill but here I was going out. What if I saw some one from work? Posting things on Facebook etc would make me concerned that people would think I wasn't actually ill. That is what I've learnt; not to care what others think, this time off has been about me, about getting myself better and having time to regroup things. Which has helped. Looking back to where I was 5 weeks ago shocks me at how bad I was, but I'm just glad I got help. And I would say to anyone that you know when you've hit rock bottom, but don't let that scare you - use it as the foundation to build yourself back up again. Build yourself back up to be a stronger person, I know I am now, and yes I still have bad days but I cope with them so much better now.

Going back to work tomorrow, even though it is a phased return still scares the sh*t out of me. Everything from how tired will work make me as I've noticed some days I'm more tired than others when I've hardly done anything, to answering questions as to why I was off. Although a few people know why not everyone - and I still haven't decided how I am going to answer that one.

Today I have done a shed load of food planning and preparation so that is one less thing I have to think about. I have a pineapple & watermelon chopped up in the fridge. A slimming world curry loaf baking in the oven as well as a ham & pea frittata which will allow easy lunches for me to grab along with a salad. Planning is going to be key not just to staying less stressed but also to remaining on plan with slimming world once I am back at work.

So fingers crossed to a good nights sleep & a good 1st day back at work. I feel like a child returning to school after the summer holidays!

x

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Apologise for the slightly pointless post, I am a bit useless with technology and currently trying to link my blog to blog loving. Bear with me!

Yoga or Pilates

After having my melt down and being off work I have done quite a bit of reading and research into ways to help depression and day to day coping and what coping mechanisms work best for me.

When I got my half stone award with Slimming World, Jon nicely signed me back up for the gym - we have a little chart of rewards when I hit certain goals, because who doesn't love a sticker chart! Although I've been a member of Pure Gym before hand I'd only ever gone to spin and circuits.

Yoga and Pilates are both said to be good for depression, they are relaxation exercises that allow you to switch off from the day. I'd first tried yoga about 4 years ago and spent the whole class trying not to laugh at the downward facing dog with my friend. So I was anxious about going to a new class by myself!

I went to a Pilates class first and the instructor was very welcoming & helped me throughout the class. It took me a while to work out which core muscles I was supposed to be using and also to try and breathe at the same time, which is always a challenge. But after the class I felt completely relaxed and ready to face the day. I will definitely be making this a regular date in my diary from now on.

My first trip to the Yoga class was a bit unsuccessful as most of the yoga classes at Pure Gym are £2 as the instructor is from outside of the gym, however this one didn't state that so I didn't take cash with me. As I live so close I literally just take my keys and phone usually. So along with about 7 other people, when the instructor asked for the money we didn't have it and despite saying I would get Jon to bring it over she was quite rude and said we would have to leave the class. Not phased by that I booked another class and this time made sure I had my £2 cash!

I found yoga a lot harder and not as relaxing as Pilates. But I still felt accomplished after the class at some of the poses I managed - I am by no means flexible but the instructor was great and explained all different levels of the poses we went through which made me feel less like a novice.

I've booked a lot more Pilates classes for this week, and hopefully when I go back to work I will still be able to attend at least one a week as they really have helped me relax and focus on things. I've also booked a yoga class this week as although I didn't find it very relaxing it felt like a good workout and I enjoyed the sense of achievement at the end of the class.

Do you have a preference between the two? Or any tips on how to make the most of them?

Giving my body an MOT.

Whilst I've been off work recently I've been trying to plan my days to keep me occupied and keep me from just sitting and wallowing in my own thoughts.

So when Charlie from The Chiropractic Clinic contacted me for a consultation after being a little dubious as first I thought why not. A) It would give me something to do, - both in terms of visiting the clinic for my consultation & blogging again which I haven't done consistently for a while B) I've never done anything like this for my blog before.

The Chiropractic Clinic is relatively new to Bristol having been set up by Charlie and his business partner Matthew in 2012. Having worked on the road that it is based on I'm ashamed to say I didn't even know it was there and had to Google map the directions, shameful I know!

I got to my appointment a little early as I'd walked there as it was such a lovely day. I was greeted by a very friendly Kate in the clinics fabulously bright reception. As it was such a lovely day the door was wide open bringing in lots of fresh air and the white walls and large windows made it very inviting.

As I've never seen a Chiropractor before this was all completely new to me. I was offered a drink, and although they offered caramel latte's I'd just come from a coffee date with my friend and would have turned into a coffee bean had I drunk any more! Kate then went through a questionnaire with me and gave me a tour of the clinic.

Being in Bristol each of the treatment rooms had a Bristol Theme - I had my consultation in the Banksy room. There was also a lot of wall art about the Clinic's Charity. Cherish Uganda, just from the information on the walls and the studying I had done of the website before hand I could see that the clinic was passionate about the work the charity does and how they can help. When Charlie and Matthew opened the clinic they wanted to have a link with a charity that they could help - so from opening in 2012 they decided to donate £1 for every chiropractor or massage session in the clinic. From talking more to Charlie about Cherish Uganda it turns out that talking to one of their patients about the charity they had decided on she turned out to be the founder of the charity. Talk about three degrees of separation!

Charlie gave me my consultation, and was very friendly and made me feel comfortable even though I was sitting in a blue gown! As we both have a love for running and that is what drew Charlie to the blog that helped us have something to chat about. He explained fully what he was going to do and why. From the questionnaire I completed with Kate it had been identified that I hadn't got any back pain, nor have I had an issues with my back or hips. Luckily.

Whilst everything felt pretty normal, when feeling the nerves down my left leg I couldn't feel the pressure as much in my right and my big toe on my left I couldn't lift as much. Weird I know. So Charlie took some x rays which he would study to see what explanation there was for this, which would be discussed in a follow up consultation and what course of action he would recommend.

The outcome was I have a tilted pelvis which affects the bottom of my spine and could be affecting the nerves going down to my left leg. Once Charlie had mentioned it, the alignment of my spine made sense as when I was having my lumbar puncture in October they said they thought my spine was twisted as they had trouble getting the needle in.

After talking to Charlie about possible causes, the most likely one being running and that I run with more pressure on one side, so basically I run lopsided! Ha! I was advised what course of treatment could help re align my pelvis and although I'm not in any pain with it at the moment, it may in the future cause me some.

For a Chiropractic Consultation a session is £45, with the follow up of findings session being free of charge. The Clinic also offers free check ups for under 16's and on a Wednesday evening offer a free Health class session about how to keep well generally.

The thing I like that blogging has allowed me is to look locally for products and treatments, living in Bristol there are so many chains and it is easy to pop into one of those whether it's for a coffee, or for a chiropractic consultation, but I am defiantly keen on supporting local businesses like The Chiropractic Clinic.

You can find them on Twitter , their website or give them a call on 0117 9741 501 and speak to one of the lovely ladies in reception.

Rome wasn't built in a day

I ran. Yesterday I did it. I ran.

This might sound strange considering 4 months ago I ran a marathon, but being brutally honest I can probably count on 1 hand how many times I've run since then. 

Marathon training got so intense I stopped loving running and started loathing it. I hated having to drag myself out of bed for those long, or even short runs. I was probably in the depths of depression whilst training but I was still putting on a brave face as if everything was ok. But that front got me across the finish line & that's what matters! 

I needed to fall in love with running again, I wanted to run because I chose to run, not because I had to run. This time off work at the moment has made me spend time on myself, getting myself better. My daily walks I've been doing, which most of them are around the harbour where I live which is where I used to run, they've made me want to run again. I knew I couldn't push myself I had to wait for when I was ready.

That day was yesterday I laced up my trainers, then sat in them for 40 minutes telling myself this was a bad idea, that I can't run because it's been so long, that I'm not as good as I used to be. Part of that as true - yes I'm not up to marathon standard but that's what you get for not running for 4 months, but it wasn't a bad idea - getting out there was going to help me build up to that standard again. 

So after a few tweets I got out the door, iPod on, garmin on. And I ran, slowly yes but I ran. I had to stop a few times but I knew that was inevitable, but I knew I needed to focus on my breathing as that would make running a lot easier! I've missed the running spirit and community, out on my run I forgot how satisfying and warming it is to have other runners nod and wave at you. 

It was a long and hot 2.4 miles but I did it. And I am so proud of myself. I ran because I chose to run, because I wanted to make myself a better runner, to get fitter and to help my mood. And I will slowly build myself back up to the standard I was at before. Like the saying goes....Rome wasn't built in a day. 

Self Love #1

The thing I've struggled with since being off work is having so much time to myself. I know I need it in order to get better but I am so used to going at 100 mph and putting other people first that I don't know what to do with all this time!

I think part of my melt down was due to the fact I haven't been taking care of myself, the thing with depression is that not only do I not have the energy to take care of myself, I don't feel like I deserve to treat myself well. It's a vicious circle. One that I am working on breaking.

Today I treated myself to a hair cut. I haven't had my hair cut in about 6 months, probably from the last time I visited Gavins back in February! My split ends were horrendous and my hair was disgustingly dry.

I've been to Gavin's twice before and each time he welcomes me like an old friend, I was recommended to go there by my mum as I am incredibly fussy when it comes to having my hair cut. I'm always scared a hair dresser is going to make me bald!

Today I was just in for a trim, although it was a rather large one and to have my fringe put back in. Gavin is a small independent hair dresser in Laleston, Bridgend and I am all for supporting local businesses especially when he gives me such lovely treatment.

There is something so relaxing about having someone wash your hair, massage your head and make you want to fall asleep in the chair! I was treated to a lovely hair mask that smelt divine, and quite frankly didn't want Gavin to stop massaging my head. Whilst having my hair cut I was treated to a lovely cup of coffee, although I still don't get how you are supposed to drink a cup of coffee whilst having your hair cut?! And a good old chat like I was talking to one of my best friends.

After a good few inches off my hair it now has a lot of shape to it and I feel like a new woman! It's amazing what a hair cut can do for you.



You can find Gavin on Facebook or Twitter. If you are looking for a friendly and reasonably priced hair dresser I would defiantly pay him a visit.

I've still got so far to go, but I'm so far from where I started, and I'm proud of that.

"We can't change the past, but we can change how it affects us"

This is so true in many aspects of my life right now. One of them being my weight.

At the age of 18 I joined weight watchers proceeded to lose 6 stone and got 5 lbs from goal. Life took an unexpected turn and I put most of that weight back on. Something I beat myself up for every single day. 

My weight is something that is adding to my bad days, I've gotten so fat again. My clothes are tight, running hurts, sometimes even walking up hills hurts. Being in control of my weight will not only help these, it will also help my depression which will make me more motivated and give me more energy. 

Today that changes, today is day 1 on my weight loss journey. I need to learn that I don't deserve to beat myself up every day. Thankfully I didn't put the whole 6 stone back on but I'm still *alot* more than 5lbs from goal. But that's ok, I've broken it down into manageable chunks. Learning to have confidence in myself that I have done it before and I can do it again.

Today I joined Slimming World. I needed a total change of plan, and after my bad experience at weight watchers a few weeks ago and a lot of research I felt this was the best way for me. The way I am at the moment I don't have the energy or inclination to be weighing and pointing; this may sound really lazy but at the moment with my depression it all needs to be about little steps. The meeting was really friendly and everyone made me feel really welcome. Although the scales nearly made me have a heart attack I know I won't see that number again.

I've been shopping, planned my meals for the week and made a little motivation chart with the help of Jon and his promise to treat me to things when I reach certain targets. Plus who doesn't like a pretty chart?! I think secretly I'm a 5 year old.

It's a perfect time for me to start my journey as being off work means I have a lot of time to research, plan and prepare yummy meals giving me a good boost for when I go back to work and continue on plan. 

So this is day 1. And the only way from here is down (in terms of my weight) everything else is on the way up 😊

" Rock bottom became the foundation on which I rebuilt my life"

I'm not to sure where to start with this post, I just know I need to write. For the last few months, well most of this year I've been living as if everything is OK, putting on a brave face, getting on with life as normal. I've been seeing a counselor about loosing the baby since January and that is helping. But bad days have got more regular, there seem to be more bad days than good recently, not just about loosing the baby but everything. It seems like loosing the baby was the tip of the iceberg for me realising I wasn't coping and I wasn't OK. I've been on anti depressants since about March, something I haven't told many people. I hate that there is so much stigma attached to depression - just because it is a mental illness doesn't give people the right to judge. If it was a broken leg or any other physical illness there wouldn't be so much judgement and so much misunderstanding of the illness. Even myself I don't fully understand depression.

This is something I am taking time to understand, it comes from me not accepting that I have depression. That I have to learn to cope with it. Learning and coping to live with depression will always be a work in progress.

Getting up in the morning has been a struggle, the fact I have to go to work is the only reason I get up. When really I should *want* to get up not getting up because I *have* to. My friends and family have been amazing, but I haven't really told them how low I've been, how bad I feel, and how much it is affecting my life. I've learnt now that I have too be honest with them in order for them to help me. And I am so grateful for all their love and support which sometimes I don't feel I deserve. 

I put so much pressure on myself that I have to carry on, after loosing the baby, coping with how much I've changed, turning my hobby into a stressful task, putting weight back on, building a career, being the perfect girlfriend, daughter, friend. I feel like I've failed and that tears me up inside. 

This week it all became too much, and I had a mini breakdown. I hit rock bottom and it scared me. I've had bad days *really* bad days but nothing like this. I didn't brush my hair or shower for days. I know people say that this happens but I never expected it to be me. I've always been so independent and being able to deal with things. I'm the person who can give excellent advice to anyone who needs it but I can't take my own advice. I hate how most days I can't see how I can get out of this, I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel. As much as people tell me there is, that there is hope, I can't always see it, a little bit of me insides holds on to that little bit of hope and some days I believe that. And soon those days will build into weeks and months.

The more I've been thinking of it, having time to myself I know I need to take time for me. That the only way from here is up. "The future is never as bad as it is know" is something someone close said to me, really struck a cord. I'm not going to let this depression beat me. I have amazing family and friends around me, a great doctor and counselor and I will get better. The first step is accepting that I can't carry on at 100 mph as I have been. I need to take one day at time. Yes there will still be bad days, but I'll learn to cope with them.

I don't want to just be another number, another person with depression. Part of writing this post is to get awareness of mental illness. That it can happen to anyone. But it doesn't have to define you, you can beat it and there is light at the end of the tunnel. 

I've found some really good information on the mind website. So if you want some more information, whether you are suffering from depression or are someone supporting someone with depression I would recommend to head over there and have a read. 

xxx

4 years.

4 years ago almost to the day I walked into my first weight watchers meeting. I was a first year university student, living away from home for the first time and was living off frozen foods. I'd always been large but had put on weight in the 7 months I'd been at university. 

17th may 2010 marks the start of my weight loss journey,I walked into that meeting and weight 16st 12.5lbs. I proceeded to lose 6 stone through a combination of meetings and online, although more successful when through meetings. Whilst studying for my degree and living the full student lifestyle. I never missed out on anything and freshens week in second year I also lost 3lbs!

The last year for me has been tough, mentally, physically and emotionally. I'm not passing the blame for my weight gain but life happens and I'm starting to accept that. For months I was in denial about my weight gain. Still squeezing into my size 12's. Feeling like a fraud when I posted comparison photos and got featured in magazines. But I'm learning that I've earnt that, I'm not the 16stone girl I used to be. 

The last year has seen me fall in love, get a promotion in work, move out from living with my best friend and move in with my boyfriend, lose a baby, be diagnosed with depression and run a marathon. And emotionally and mentally it's taken me a while to catch up. But with help I'm getting there. 

I needn't be ashamed at the weight I've put on, I've always been an emotional eater and I always will be it's learning to cope with situations as they arise and that's what I know how to now. 

As of next week (I'm currently writing this by the pool in 26degrees) I will be returning to weight watcher meetings, they work for me so why change what works? I'm excited to lose weight again, for me. To be healthy, to start running properly again and gaining PR's. 

I may not 5lbs from goal where I was this time last year, I'm more like 3 stone (I don't really know as I haven't stepped on a scales for a while and I won't until I rejoin meetings) but I've grown up, I've learnt a lot, I've accomplished a lot, not many people run a marathon but I have that shiney medal hanging on my mirror reminding me every day I did it! 

I've learnt that weight loss journeys have ups and downs. And this is my new journey, I don't need to look back and regret the weight I've put on, I haven't put the whole 6 stone back on, and if it wasn't for weightwatchers and some good decisions being in the back of my head I would have, but it's more like 3 stone I've put on. I've lost it before. I can do it again. It helped me through the last year and I've come out stronger on the other side. So here's to being back on the wagon, and being excited about it. Here's to being healthy and happy! 

As the title goes "you haven't failed until you quit trying" 

Xxx