Reality.

In 2010 I started my weight loss journey and over the next 3 years I proceeded to lose 6 1/2 stone, in May 2013 I was 5lbs from goal. I got featured in magazines for my weight loss, gained followers on Twitter and Instagram for "being inspirational" I made myself, my family and friends proud. Since then I have put 5 stone back on. And until now haven't admitted in to any one, not even myself to some extent. And for my friends and family reading this it is probably the first time I'll have admitted to them how much I have put on. Although they obviously already know as you can't really hide a 5 stone weight gain can you? And my mum well she has a sixth sense and probably knows the exact numbers, plus has put up with my tears and tantrums (literally) over it! Thanks mum!

It's strange how you don't see the weight creeping on and how easy it is to kid yourself that you haven't put anything on. Squeezing into your clothes that are now too small for you.

I have been praised by my friends and family, been in magazines for my weight loss, have followers on social media because of my weight loss and here I am lying to myself at how much I have gained, and feeling like I shouldn't have all these followers and friends I have made through weight watchers, through twitter and Instagram because I'm not really that person any more am I? It's funny how I'm the only one judging myself for this - in my eyes I feel like I have failed, like I'm a fraud. And I know all of those people still love me (or at least I hope they do!)

And I guess by writing this down I'm drawing my line, moving on to the next stage of my weight loss journey.

The last 2 years have been tough, I guess in my heart of hearts I knew the weight was creeping back up, especially after I had run the marathon. I stopped running which again I kidded myself that "having a little break" would be ok... I did a few runs here and there but nothing compared to what I was. Timehop is a killer sometimes reminding me how quick I used to run!

I used excuse after excuse. Being in a relationship, losing a baby, moving in with Jon, having a breakdown, the anti depressants, even the marathon I used as an excuse to eat! All of these happen to each and everyone of us but I chose to eat my way through the tough times and that has got me here now.

This reality check for myself has been coming for a while - I went shopping with my mum for an outfit a month or two ago, had a melt down in the changing room and had a strop like a 5 year old because I refused to by a certain clothes size! I hate how much more I care now - hell when I was 18 and a size 22 yes I didn't like that I couldn't walk into any shop and by anything but I don't remember crying almost daily about it.

I guess the difference between now and then is what I know. As cliche as it sounds I didn't know any different then. I didn't know what it was like to be healthy, I didn't know what it was like to run up the stairs without wanting to die at the top, I didn't know what it was like to run, I didn't know what it was like to walk into any shop and pick up whatever I wanted and know I wasn't going to look like a sack of sh*t. All I ever knew was being fat. And I want to be healthy again. And I will.

Everything culminated after a rather large melt down I had caused by a swim suit and a pair of shorts! First of all the swimsuit was a size 16  whereas all my other holiday clothes were a 14 and then the shorts were an 18! Now I know that all shop sizes vary blah blah blah. But it hit me, hard. I had put the weight back on and in my mind I was back to square one. Yes I'm not the size 22 I used to be and yes I know it's not all about a clothes size but running. Running I used to be able to run a 9.30/9.45 mile. Now I'm dying running a 11.30/12 minute mile. That hurts a lot. Mentally and physically its tough, knowing that I had worked so hard to get to where I was and in what seems like a blink of an eye I am back to square one.

It's tough going out, I'm no longer the confident bubbly person I was. I can blame that on the depression, the anxiety or the weight gain. But as hard as it is staying in bed and crying isn't going to get me to where I want to be. I want to have fun again and I want to be proud of myself.

I needed to stop kidding myself. It's time to stop making excuses. It's time to be healthy. It's time to be happy again.

Here's to the next stage of my journey. As the title of my blog says "you haven't failed until you quit trying" and I certainly haven't quit.



xxx

How can something so 'normal' be so completely and utterly terrifying?

I haven't blogged in a while, maybe because my laptops been broken and I don't like blogging in my iPad (yet here I am doing just that) maybe because I've wanted to pretend my life is hunky dorey and that everything is ok. And to most it would seem that way. 

Either way the last couple of weeks have been an eye opener for me, I've acknowledged things that I've just brushed over in the past, things that are impacting my day to day life, things I need to get a hold of & work with. 

Back when I had my 'breakdown' I don't really like calling it that, but that's what it is. I was seeing my counsellor, I was put on anti depressants and I put in place coping mechanisms. Which worked, and are still continuing to work. 

But over the last year I've changed, I've changed a lot. I've gone from being that outgoing bubbly character to someone who hates going out, who feels uncomfortable when out, someone who has to have a plan and stick to it or I freak out, I would much rather hide away in my little apartment and pretend everything is ok. I miss the *old* me, the spontaneous me. 

What I've realised over the last few months that alongside my depression I'm living with anxiety. As I look back I can't believe that I'm someone who lives with anxiety. But it's real, I deal, well try and deal with it on a day to day basis. I'm hoping that now I've acknowledged it I will start to cope more so than I have been. 

I'm not one for New Years resolutions, but I want, and will make 2015 my year. I vowed to get some one the 'old' me back. It's little things like booking a weekend in London with my girls, previously it would have done this a few times a year, wouldn't have thought about it and just gone! However, I put a lot of thought into it - had questions like do I deserve a weekend away? Should I go? Can I cope? But I'm putting all of those behind me and I've booked the weekend and I'm going. I deserve to go. There is nothing I won't be able to 'cope' with. I'm with my best friends and will be ok. 

I've also signed up to a half marathon, being brutally honest I can count on one hand how many times I've run since the marathon! I need something to get my focus back, something to allow me 'Elle' time, to focus on me, to relax and know I deserve some time out. It's going to test me, both physically and mentally, but I can and will do it. And what better way to do it than with one of my besties?

One of my biggest anxiety fears I need to work on; is being on my own. I rely on Jon *so* much. I'm ok if he has plans to go out and I know a few days in advance, but I freak out if these change, or if it's something I don't know about. I should love this time on my own - time to see my friends. But in the depths of my depression I didn't feel like I deserved to see anyone. So I would completely rely on him. I guess in a way I've dug myself a hole. I know I have amazing friends and family around me that will support me all the way. But sometimes you need to do it on your own, however

hard that is, but with them by your side.

I'm working on this anxiety. I have good days and bad days; more recently bad. But I guess acknowledging it is the first step to helping myself. 

If you have any hints/ tips to coping with anxiety I would be grateful to hear them. 

Xx

Weight Watchers V Slimming World

I'm sure I've had this debate many times before but I'm going to have it again.

Weight Watchers V Slimming World.

I've done both - With Weight watchers I lost 6 stone, was 5 lbs from goal. Fell in love, got complacent had a sh*t year, put 4 back on. Slimming World, I've lost 6lbs in 8 weeks.

Weight watchers pros and cons

* I know the plan
* It's worked previously
* I will always love weight watchers
* Flexibility between points & filling and healthy.
* Easier to follow with random nights /meals out - weekly points

* Meetings may be more tricky now I am back at work full time
*Will I get complacent again

Slimming World pros and cons

* It's lifestyle friendly
* Jon prefers the recipes - living with him it is vital he supports the plan I follow
* Meetings are more accessible
* I like the shiney certificates & stickers

* I've only lost 6lbs in 8 weeks.
* When I go out I go completely off plan as I feel I can't stick to it


To be honest I'm really struggling so much with weight loss at the moment, I can't put my finger on it. But I know I need motivation back. I had a massive heart to heart with Jon last night and he pointed out how when we first got together I was going to the gym 3/4 times a week, running 3/4 times a week and eating healthily - even when we went out and was losing weight. Now I don't run, I go to the gym, I don't eat as well as I should. I can't completely blame my depression and what I've been through the last year - there is only so many times I can use that as an excuse. I have to remember my end goal, remember how well I feel when I am 100% on plan and lose weight, remember that motivation I had - I lost 6 stone I must have it in me some where!

I've done it before, I can do it again, I just need to find what is going to work for me at the time in my life. Give it my 100% attention and believe that I can do it.

Please if you have an advice for finding my mojo again please pass on your words of wisdom.

xxx

Surgery.

For as long as I can remember I have whole heartedly been against gastric surgery. Why? I've always seen it as the easy way out, the quick fix. But do I think this because this is what society is "taught" to think. I've never previously done any research into gastric surgery - just quick to assume. The same with such "soup and shake" diets as I often refer to them, I have fond memories of being in university and the girls I lived with used to mute the TV when Jenny Craig or other adverts came on because I would get on my soap box about it.

My mum has always said she want gastric band, I have always bottom line said a big fat NO. So when a recent visit to the doctors started this process of gastric surgery it was all happening a bit to quick for me to come to terms with. How do you accept something that you have always, always, been against. But why am I against it? Perhaps it is jealousy that I work hard day in day out to see the scales go down when it is often portrayed that gastric surgery is the quick fix - something I now know it is not. Stigma - there is, like with everything stigma against gastric surgery - people seen as lazy, that it is there own fault - I don't want that stigma for my mum. I know how much this surgery means to her, how excited she is about it - and like she has been there for every decision I have made, I have to be there for her too.

This post was sparked by an article I read online about how a woman had lost so much weight with the quote "wants people to help lose weight the healthy way, not cheat with gastric band". Previously I would have skimmed over this article, but I read it. It angered me. In no way is a gastric band cheating. It is often the last resort, when people are at a weight that they would benefit from drastic weight loss in a short space of time - for health reasons it is the option. Often not accessible to some people on the NHS as there are certain criteria to fill such as not being able to work, not getting out of bed, and being on benefits as well as a long list of other boxes to tick. So basically if you are fat but you can get off your bum and go to work the NHS won't help you. Yes the NHS offer referral schemes to things such as slimming world and weight watchers but they don't work for everyone. The debate about gastric surgery being unhealthy is something I have learnt in the last few weeks is a load of rubbish. The team that you see make sure pre surgery you are as healthy as you can be, giving you a diet plan to follow to ensure minimal risks of complications, and post surgery you see dietitians to ensure you are still getting all the healthy stuff our bodies need you are getting.

Having done quite extensive research recently into gastric surgery I have in fact realised it is not the easy way out. There is so much more to than just having surgery and eating smaller portions afterwards. There is the psychological element. When you've been large and eating what you want all your life, to then go to having to eat liquidized food for a while & much smaller portions to never being able to eat what you want has got to be hard - mentally. I know I couldn't do it.

The surgery part scares me - but it's done through keyhole surgery, and the consultants have all said there is minimal risk so fingers crossed everything will go smoothly.

It has taken me a few weeks to get to this point, of accepting gastric surgery. But what it comes down to at the end of the day is life and death. It sounds harsh, and when someone first said that I had to accept mums decision because it was the choice of having her around for 20 years or 40 years I cried. I knew it was true. But it's so hard to come to terms with. But I have. I have to. I know that mum wants this more than anything and is so excited about it - I'm now excited for her too, for her to begin her new life after the surgery.

Side effects

My first few weeks on slimming world went really well - in my first 2 weeks I lost half a stone, my motivation was still there but I was struggling, I had an unexpected gain and for a day or two I went into self destruct mode but clawed it back with a 1lb loss.

This week I maintained, which yes I know is better than a gain but it's frustrating really frustrating. And it got me thinking. One of the side effects of my anti depressants is constipation, I'm managing that at the moment with the help of my doctor but doing some further reading last night another "very common" side effect is weight gain.

This week apart from Friday night I have been super good and actually felt like I had lost weight - I really should measure my inches as I should practise what I preach when I say take your measurements as the number on the scale isn't everything!

I'm not looking for excuses as to why I'm struggling, I'm looking more for answers and how I can combat things that are against me. But I guess the tablets could be one of them. I'm not ready to come off the tablets just yet so I've got to find a way around it. 

Have any of you struggled with side effects of tablets and have some methods that could help? I would love to have some different things I could try. 

Xx

Bad Days - The root cause.

We all have bad days, and we have good days. The thing about these days is we cannot plan for them, when we get up each morning we don't have a crystal ball that tells us what the days events will be so we can plan accordingly - if only!

What we can do, is recognise when a day isn't going as well and put coping mechanisms into place. I find this tough. Really tough. Not the coping mechanisms bit but recognizing when a day is going down hill.

This weekend was the first weekend I had been alone since my melt down, Jon was going away Saturday afternoon to Monday. I was OK with this, I'd planned things to do, to have some me time. And the weekend started well - I didn't cry when Jon left which I was really proud of!

Monday came around a lot quicker than I thought, and first thing I was OK, I was excited to see Jon. Yes I know it had only been 2 nights but when I'm used to seeing him every day it was tough! I went to do the food shop - probably a bad idea, I'd walked there as Jon had my car - it's a mile or so there which would have been fine had it not been hammering it down with rain & the fact I brought our weekly shop and thought I was invincible and could carry it all home. I couldn't. To me that was that I'd failed, I got half way looking like a drowned rat and gave in and got a cab.

Jon then got stuck in horrendous traffic on the M5 so a 1.5 hour journey turned into a 4 hour journey which made me anxious that we weren't going to be able to spend the afternoon together.

I bailed on my gym class, wrong I know as it would have helped me feel a bit better - one of my coping mechanisms is exercise - happy endorphin's and all that jazz! 9pm came round and I broke down. I'd been a complete b*tch to Jon since he had got home. And why? Because I'd been on my own all afternoon? Because he got stuck in traffic? Because I'd eaten crap all weekend? These are all things I blamed - the thing with depression is it is so hard to pinpoint what causes a bad day.

One thing I hate about depression, is that by not identifying the root cause of my bad days I take it out on the people I love most. Yet they still stand by me, and for that I cannot be grateful enough. If it wasn't for the love and support of my mum, Jon and my friends these last few weeks I can guarantee that I would not be where I am today.

So lying in bed reflecting, it hit me that I had never looked at a day and thought what was the root cause for that day turning bad. Subconsciously and what I finally admitted to Jon is that I was bricking it about going to work for my first 9 hour day, I had struggled so much when I did a 5 hour day! So how on earth was I going to get through a 9 hour day?!

Tuesday was a new day, I wasn't going to let the fact that Monday wasn't great ruin Tuesday. I got through the day at work -  although I am cream crackered today! But I did it.

From now on when I know a day isn't going too well I am going to take 5 minutes to sit and think of the root cause and that way I will have a better chance of turning it around.

Something I would say to you, whether it's to do with depression, weight loss is don't let one bad day ruin your week. It's not worth it and you can do it. Each day is a new day.



xx

Finding my running mojo!

Running was something I started on my weight loss journey to help me lose weight, I began to love it and started completing races. Marathon training changed that for me, I'm not saying that you can't train for a marathon and not enjoy it but I started to hate running. I've learnt that this is most likely because I was in the depths of depression as well and wasn't getting help for it. 

Since April 13th - marathon day. I can count on one hand how many times I have run. And even then I've run because I had to, because I didn't want to let people down, because I'd run a marathon I was expected to run. I even had a half marathon entry for my birthday - something I asked for in the hope it would push me to start running again. 

Last night I had that moment, you know like a lightbulb moment. I remembered all the times I'd run, how good it made it feel, the sense of achievement, the feeling it gives you, the time it gives you to yourself. So I decided I was going to lace up my trainers and run. 

This morning I downloaded the C25K app. I thought it would be a good place to start, I know I'm not at marathon level and I'm my head I can't run a mile. So I set off with my brisk 5 minute walm up, something I never usually do on a run but I felt it was good - it gets you in the right frame of mind for a run. 

Then the running and walking intervals began, honestly - I found it easy. I ended up running when I should have been walking and vice versa as it meant I was running for slightly longer. I wasn't out of breathe when I finished, my legs didn't ache. But I had a sense of achievement - I'd run, I'd run because I wanted to, because I wanted the me time, because I chose to run. 

So although I won't be using the app again it has given me the confidence that I'm not as rubbish as I thought I was, that I can still run. 

However, with the half marathon I have a place in being 4 weeks today I am in 2 minds whether to defer. I know physically I should because just because I ran 2 miles easily today - 13 is a whole different ball game but in my heart I don't want to because it's like I'd have failed. The verdict for today is out on this one but I  will be sensible in my decision.