Wednesday, 4 February 2015

How can something so 'normal' be so completely and utterly terrifying?

I haven't blogged in a while, maybe because my laptops been broken and I don't like blogging in my iPad (yet here I am doing just that) maybe because I've wanted to pretend my life is hunky dorey and that everything is ok. And to most it would seem that way. 

Either way the last couple of weeks have been an eye opener for me, I've acknowledged things that I've just brushed over in the past, things that are impacting my day to day life, things I need to get a hold of & work with. 

Back when I had my 'breakdown' I don't really like calling it that, but that's what it is. I was seeing my counsellor, I was put on anti depressants and I put in place coping mechanisms. Which worked, and are still continuing to work. 

But over the last year I've changed, I've changed a lot. I've gone from being that outgoing bubbly character to someone who hates going out, who feels uncomfortable when out, someone who has to have a plan and stick to it or I freak out, I would much rather hide away in my little apartment and pretend everything is ok. I miss the *old* me, the spontaneous me. 

What I've realised over the last few months that alongside my depression I'm living with anxiety. As I look back I can't believe that I'm someone who lives with anxiety. But it's real, I deal, well try and deal with it on a day to day basis. I'm hoping that now I've acknowledged it I will start to cope more so than I have been. 

I'm not one for New Years resolutions, but I want, and will make 2015 my year. I vowed to get some one the 'old' me back. It's little things like booking a weekend in London with my girls, previously it would have done this a few times a year, wouldn't have thought about it and just gone! However, I put a lot of thought into it - had questions like do I deserve a weekend away? Should I go? Can I cope? But I'm putting all of those behind me and I've booked the weekend and I'm going. I deserve to go. There is nothing I won't be able to 'cope' with. I'm with my best friends and will be ok. 

I've also signed up to a half marathon, being brutally honest I can count on one hand how many times I've run since the marathon! I need something to get my focus back, something to allow me 'Elle' time, to focus on me, to relax and know I deserve some time out. It's going to test me, both physically and mentally, but I can and will do it. And what better way to do it than with one of my besties?

One of my biggest anxiety fears I need to work on; is being on my own. I rely on Jon *so* much. I'm ok if he has plans to go out and I know a few days in advance, but I freak out if these change, or if it's something I don't know about. I should love this time on my own - time to see my friends. But in the depths of my depression I didn't feel like I deserved to see anyone. So I would completely rely on him. I guess in a way I've dug myself a hole. I know I have amazing friends and family around me that will support me all the way. But sometimes you need to do it on your own, however

hard that is, but with them by your side.

I'm working on this anxiety. I have good days and bad days; more recently bad. But I guess acknowledging it is the first step to helping myself. 

If you have any hints/ tips to coping with anxiety I would be grateful to hear them.