Sunday, 30 December 2012

Goodbye 2012 .....2013 I'm ready for you!!

With New Year literally around the corner, I thought it would be a good chance to look back on 2012. A year that has been life changing for me in more ways than one. And a chance to write down things I'm excited about in 2013. I'm not one for new years resolutions but there are things I'm excited for!

There are many things I'm proud of myself this year for achieving:
One being; reaching 80lbs lost and nearing my target of reaching goal.

Joining weight watchers honestly changed my life; and this year I learnt that this journey is not only about losing weight & inches; although that is a massive part of it. It's about becoming more comfortable in myself, and becoming a better person. I don't think I was a bad person before but I think by becoming more outgoing and confident it has allowed me to develop as person. 

Another thing I'm proud of in 2012 is graduating from university with a 2:2. I now have letters after my name! How cool is that?! 

A third thing that is probably one of my best achievements of the year is running, and completing Bristol Half Marathon, under my target time of 2 hours 20! I came in at 2:19:41!!! 

There are also other things such as moving into a flat with my best friend, getting a full time job, turning 21, becoming an Aunty for the 2nd time and Hackney Weekend as well as countless nights out with my fabulous friends that have made 2012 unforgettable.

As with most things though I'm looking forward to turning my back on 2012 for some reasons as well. Recently ones that I have realised I shouldn't have wasted my time on. But I'm a great believer in no regrets and that every thing happens for a reason. Everything is a lesson to learn from and the last few months of drama have taught me that not only do I deserve more than people give me; I need to believe in myself more and just enjoy life! 

2013 has lots of exciting things for me: I've got Bath Half Marathon in March as well as Bristol Half Marathon again in September, there's a few potential holidays in the pipeline, hopefully getting to goal - as well as becoming fitter as a person. I've learnt lately that the number on the scales isn't everything but it's about being able to love the body I've achieved. And what ever 2013 gives me I'm sure it'll be exciting and wonderful! 

Do you have anything your proud of over the last year or excited for in 2013?

So Happy New Year to you all:) 
Love as always
Elle xxxx

Wednesday, 19 December 2012

The guilt of eating.

Have you ever eaten something then instantly regretted it? Or regretted it before you'd even eaten it?
Today I had EXACTLY that.

I'd been Christmas shopping and I'd had cravings for McDonalds all morning. I wasn't going to have one because I felt guilty about having not been 100% on track lately, this wouldn't be good. Yet I found myself at the drive through ordering a Chicken Legend Meal. 1083 calories. But you know what it was damn tasty!!

I'm sat here confessing this to you all, because you know what. It is OK to have slips ups, this is the thing about eating healthily to lose weight rather than being on a diet; you can eat what you want.

The reason I feel so guilty is because I know right from wrong, what is good for me and what isn't. I know that I could have eaten those 1000 odd calories in a much better way for my body; but you know what those cravings weren't going to go away and I probably would have eaten them through chocolate or something else equally as bad for me so in a way curing the cravings was the best thing to do.

This journey has taught me a lot both physically, mentally & psychologically and when I'm not 100% on track the thing that I fear most is letting people down. I have always had bucket fulls of support throughout my journey  through friends, family, Twitter, Facebook & blogging. You can guarantee that there will be someone always there to say exactly what you need to hear at that time to get you back on track. It's like when I tweeted & facebooked this picture a few nights ago; the support was overwhelming and it's not that I am doing this for other people. I can honestly say I'm doing it for me; whether those reasons be to be healthier; to be able to fit into smaller clothes & shop in "normal" shops; this is for me. But everyone has always been so encouraging; the thought of those people being disappointed in me scares me.
I'm sure know one will actually be disappointed in me for eating a McDonalds but I still have that guilt!!

So that's my confession for the day and now I'm going to continue bleaching my flat - it's actually rather therapeutic!

Love as always

Saturday, 15 December 2012

Laid bare: enough is enough!

There comes a time when you just have to say enough is enough.
This week I have binged far worse than I have in a long time.
Take Friday for example: It was going ok until i got back from the doctors & the gym. I had a bowl of strawberry crunchy cereal (not weighed) with skimmed milk for breakfast. Lunch was fish fingers, lettuce, pickled onions, sundried tomatoes & and a yogurt. Not going to badly until I decided I really was quite emotional & I would cwtch up in my onesie - doesn't mean I needed to eat but I did. Over the course of the afternoon/evening I ate half a bag of those German biscuits you get at Christmas, half a pack of milk chocolate digestives, 4 chocolates off my tree, 3 satsumas and a plum. I then decided it was dinner time so had spinach & ricotta cannelloni with salad. I wasn't in the slightest bit hungry but psychologically my mind was telling me it was dinner time I needed to make a meal.
I'm feeling the effects of eating like this - I'm tired, bloated, hating what I see in the mirror because I know this is not how good my body has looked. I haven't even stepped on the scales because I think the damage I've done would send me over the edge.
And the reason for all of this? Being completely an utterly heartbroken. Men (sorry to those of you who are reading it!!) are really not worth it sometimes! Being in love with the wrong person for the last 18 months of my life; knowing because of the circumstances it wasn't going anywhere and ending it 3 weeks ago has completely and utterly broken me. Stressful details which I can't go into on here have not made it easy and my inner fat girl has turned to food.

Well today - after a fabulous day out with one of my best friends (thanks Bron). I've laughed so hard today until I've cried too many times to count that I realise there is only so long I can mope around for. I can't let one person ruin my hard work, and make me feel worthless for any longer.

This is my line drawn and tomorrow I am back 100% on the wagon. I mean I have a half marathon to run in 9 weeks and currently 5k is killing me!! It may be hard as its Christmas to be motivated but I've come so far I'm not losing where I'm going.

It just goes to show all you need around you is some amazing friends & family and you really can get through anything.

I'm quite proud of admitting this to you guys (if anyone is actually reading) I don't think I've ever admitted one of my big binges like this - the shame is just too much! But getting it all out there makes everything a lot better.

I apologise if this is just rambling I was only going to plan this post until it all started flowing out! Writing from the heart is often best!!

Here's to a good week & roll on 2013!

Love as always
Elinor xxxx

Monday, 10 December 2012

The problem is we focus too much on how far we have to go, rather than how far we have come"

Last week at weigh in I stayed the same, tomorrow I am fully expecting a gain - but you know what - I've had a damn good couple of days and I'm back on track already. 

With recent events in my life (I can't go into too much detail on here, as with the wonders of the internet you don't always know who is reading; and quite frankly I don't want to get beaten up!) it has made me think a lot; about who am; what I'm doing with my life; my weight loss; my exercise; everything you name it I've had far too many deep thoughts about it lately.

As you all know I've been really struggling with my exercise lately. And thanks to the wonderful Lauren over at A little less of Lauren who wrote the brave post Love the skin you're in I went back to the gym. For those of you who haven't read Lauren's blog; you need to! Reading this post it was like I was reading about myself, knowing that I'm not the only on who has the crazy thoughts about how I look & how others see myself but it was also the kick up the ass I needed. Lauren has lost over 100lbs through hard work & dedication. And in order for me to get to goal I needed to get off my ass and back in the gym! So that is exactly what I did. I'm still not comfortable looking in the mirror and I take my hat off to Lauren for posting those photos -you are an inspiration my lovely- but after reading that post I know I will in time become more comfortable and proud of what I have achieved.

 "The problem is we focus too much on how far we have to go rather than how far we have come" 

This quote could not be truer for me right now.

And you know what? Going back to the gym - it really wasn't as terrifying as I imagined. Ok so the 5k run almost killed me; but I've run a half marathon; I know I can do it. I just need to build myself back up and I will get there.But I am proud of myself for breaking that barrier and going back. Not only is it helping me in terms of my weight loss but exercise is such a good de-stresser and gives me time to focus on myself. As selfish as that sounds; sometimes some "me time" is just what you need.

When I first started losing weight I honestly thought there would be an end date; I always imagined it would be the day I got to goal. The more I lose weight and discover more about myself and get closer to goal; I realise that there is no end date but a journey which allows us to change physically, mentally & emotionally; and all for the better. I can honestly say I'm a better person than I was before and can only hope that I continue to get better; as well as more comfortable with myself. 

Love as always