For a long time I have been living with regret, living in the past, living with the "what if I had done this differently" attitude. Now that is not a great way to live and it has been a challenging year but one that I am proud to say I feel like I am coming out of the other side of.
It's been a challenging year, and this isn't a sob story post but more to let people know that if you feel like I did then you are not alone, and I promise you things get better. The last 12 months I felt like most days were a challenge, there was a period of about 6 weeks when I had my breakdown when getting out of bed was a massive effort and I would congratulate myself for getting up and dressed, slowly that became easier - I went back to work, I started seeing my friends again. I took one step at a time on the road to recovery. Looking back now I can't believe how low I got. Now I know depression isn't solved over night but I am in a *much* better place now than I was then. I am happy again, and that has been a long time coming.
Recently things have been falling into place - I have found myself just thinking how contently happy I am, I find myself smiling again and I am confident again, I'm excited for the future- something that this time last year I honestly didn't think was possible, as I used to dread every day. And I am so damn proud of myself for that.
I have been on anti depressants for about 18 months now. I had my dose upped when I had my breakdown, I reduced this (with my doctors supervision) at Christmas to half the dose, and then decided to ween myself off them. Don't ever do this people - I went a bit cray cray and poor Jon was a star putting up with me - I was a nightmare to live with for about 2 weeks before I realised it was a bad idea and went back to the doctors and they told me to start taking them again. Because although I thought I was doing well then - looking back now I was far from ready to come off them but I judged myself for being on "happy pills" as I referred to them, I know that's stupid but it's the way my little mind works. Recently though (with my doctors supervision this time) I have started to ween myself off them and I am feeling great, I am not relying on the pills; although I am taking one day at a time - but these individual days are adding up to weeks and months, which helps with everything else falling into place.
This weekend something clicked for me - the self love, the belief in myself and the recognition that I am worth it. I am worth investing in my body, I am worthy of taking an hour out a day to go running, I am worthy of going out with my friends and not feeling like a burden.. the list goes on. I am starting to feel like the 24 year old that I am, and that feeling is great. I feel so much more confident in myself. And confidence is the best accessory a girl can have!
I have learnt not to regret the past, I cannot change it and living with regret prevents me of having the future that I can create and that I deserve. The last year or so has been a tough one, and I would not have got through it without the love and support of my amazing family of friends. Surrounding yourself with love may feel like the worst thing in the world when you just want to be alone, but at times forcing myself to do so was the best thing I could have done as it has got me where I am today.
For a long long time I have beaten myself up about my weight gain, and well that is not going to get me any where - other than fatter as I emotional eat and that's a vicious circle....I've had every excuse under the sun going as to why I put on weight and the reality is I put the food in my mouth and I did it. And I am the one that is going to work my ass off and get healthier and fitter again.
As I sit here and write this post I am home alone - Jon has gone away for 3 days with work and even only a few months ago this would have sent my anxiety sky high. This time though I was looking forward to it, having my own space and routine for a couple of days (and I get to watch all my trashy TV without him moaning!)
No I don't have the perfect life and I don't live through rose tinted glasses that things will always be this great, yes I know I will have bad days and sometimes my anxiety makes an appearance. However I am in such a better place right now I know things will never be as bad as they have been in the past, and I am the one that has put the effort into making me this strong again.