Rome wasn't built in a day

I ran. Yesterday I did it. I ran.

This might sound strange considering 4 months ago I ran a marathon, but being brutally honest I can probably count on 1 hand how many times I've run since then. 

Marathon training got so intense I stopped loving running and started loathing it. I hated having to drag myself out of bed for those long, or even short runs. I was probably in the depths of depression whilst training but I was still putting on a brave face as if everything was ok. But that front got me across the finish line & that's what matters! 

I needed to fall in love with running again, I wanted to run because I chose to run, not because I had to run. This time off work at the moment has made me spend time on myself, getting myself better. My daily walks I've been doing, which most of them are around the harbour where I live which is where I used to run, they've made me want to run again. I knew I couldn't push myself I had to wait for when I was ready.

That day was yesterday I laced up my trainers, then sat in them for 40 minutes telling myself this was a bad idea, that I can't run because it's been so long, that I'm not as good as I used to be. Part of that as true - yes I'm not up to marathon standard but that's what you get for not running for 4 months, but it wasn't a bad idea - getting out there was going to help me build up to that standard again. 

So after a few tweets I got out the door, iPod on, garmin on. And I ran, slowly yes but I ran. I had to stop a few times but I knew that was inevitable, but I knew I needed to focus on my breathing as that would make running a lot easier! I've missed the running spirit and community, out on my run I forgot how satisfying and warming it is to have other runners nod and wave at you. 

It was a long and hot 2.4 miles but I did it. And I am so proud of myself. I ran because I chose to run, because I wanted to make myself a better runner, to get fitter and to help my mood. And I will slowly build myself back up to the standard I was at before. Like the saying goes....Rome wasn't built in a day. 

Self Love #1

The thing I've struggled with since being off work is having so much time to myself. I know I need it in order to get better but I am so used to going at 100 mph and putting other people first that I don't know what to do with all this time!

I think part of my melt down was due to the fact I haven't been taking care of myself, the thing with depression is that not only do I not have the energy to take care of myself, I don't feel like I deserve to treat myself well. It's a vicious circle. One that I am working on breaking.

Today I treated myself to a hair cut. I haven't had my hair cut in about 6 months, probably from the last time I visited Gavins back in February! My split ends were horrendous and my hair was disgustingly dry.

I've been to Gavin's twice before and each time he welcomes me like an old friend, I was recommended to go there by my mum as I am incredibly fussy when it comes to having my hair cut. I'm always scared a hair dresser is going to make me bald!

Today I was just in for a trim, although it was a rather large one and to have my fringe put back in. Gavin is a small independent hair dresser in Laleston, Bridgend and I am all for supporting local businesses especially when he gives me such lovely treatment.

There is something so relaxing about having someone wash your hair, massage your head and make you want to fall asleep in the chair! I was treated to a lovely hair mask that smelt divine, and quite frankly didn't want Gavin to stop massaging my head. Whilst having my hair cut I was treated to a lovely cup of coffee, although I still don't get how you are supposed to drink a cup of coffee whilst having your hair cut?! And a good old chat like I was talking to one of my best friends.

After a good few inches off my hair it now has a lot of shape to it and I feel like a new woman! It's amazing what a hair cut can do for you.



You can find Gavin on Facebook or Twitter. If you are looking for a friendly and reasonably priced hair dresser I would defiantly pay him a visit.

I've still got so far to go, but I'm so far from where I started, and I'm proud of that.

"We can't change the past, but we can change how it affects us"

This is so true in many aspects of my life right now. One of them being my weight.

At the age of 18 I joined weight watchers proceeded to lose 6 stone and got 5 lbs from goal. Life took an unexpected turn and I put most of that weight back on. Something I beat myself up for every single day. 

My weight is something that is adding to my bad days, I've gotten so fat again. My clothes are tight, running hurts, sometimes even walking up hills hurts. Being in control of my weight will not only help these, it will also help my depression which will make me more motivated and give me more energy. 

Today that changes, today is day 1 on my weight loss journey. I need to learn that I don't deserve to beat myself up every day. Thankfully I didn't put the whole 6 stone back on but I'm still *alot* more than 5lbs from goal. But that's ok, I've broken it down into manageable chunks. Learning to have confidence in myself that I have done it before and I can do it again.

Today I joined Slimming World. I needed a total change of plan, and after my bad experience at weight watchers a few weeks ago and a lot of research I felt this was the best way for me. The way I am at the moment I don't have the energy or inclination to be weighing and pointing; this may sound really lazy but at the moment with my depression it all needs to be about little steps. The meeting was really friendly and everyone made me feel really welcome. Although the scales nearly made me have a heart attack I know I won't see that number again.

I've been shopping, planned my meals for the week and made a little motivation chart with the help of Jon and his promise to treat me to things when I reach certain targets. Plus who doesn't like a pretty chart?! I think secretly I'm a 5 year old.

It's a perfect time for me to start my journey as being off work means I have a lot of time to research, plan and prepare yummy meals giving me a good boost for when I go back to work and continue on plan. 

So this is day 1. And the only way from here is down (in terms of my weight) everything else is on the way up 😊

" Rock bottom became the foundation on which I rebuilt my life"

I'm not to sure where to start with this post, I just know I need to write. For the last few months, well most of this year I've been living as if everything is OK, putting on a brave face, getting on with life as normal. I've been seeing a counselor about loosing the baby since January and that is helping. But bad days have got more regular, there seem to be more bad days than good recently, not just about loosing the baby but everything. It seems like loosing the baby was the tip of the iceberg for me realising I wasn't coping and I wasn't OK. I've been on anti depressants since about March, something I haven't told many people. I hate that there is so much stigma attached to depression - just because it is a mental illness doesn't give people the right to judge. If it was a broken leg or any other physical illness there wouldn't be so much judgement and so much misunderstanding of the illness. Even myself I don't fully understand depression.

This is something I am taking time to understand, it comes from me not accepting that I have depression. That I have to learn to cope with it. Learning and coping to live with depression will always be a work in progress.

Getting up in the morning has been a struggle, the fact I have to go to work is the only reason I get up. When really I should *want* to get up not getting up because I *have* to. My friends and family have been amazing, but I haven't really told them how low I've been, how bad I feel, and how much it is affecting my life. I've learnt now that I have too be honest with them in order for them to help me. And I am so grateful for all their love and support which sometimes I don't feel I deserve. 

I put so much pressure on myself that I have to carry on, after loosing the baby, coping with how much I've changed, turning my hobby into a stressful task, putting weight back on, building a career, being the perfect girlfriend, daughter, friend. I feel like I've failed and that tears me up inside. 

This week it all became too much, and I had a mini breakdown. I hit rock bottom and it scared me. I've had bad days *really* bad days but nothing like this. I didn't brush my hair or shower for days. I know people say that this happens but I never expected it to be me. I've always been so independent and being able to deal with things. I'm the person who can give excellent advice to anyone who needs it but I can't take my own advice. I hate how most days I can't see how I can get out of this, I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel. As much as people tell me there is, that there is hope, I can't always see it, a little bit of me insides holds on to that little bit of hope and some days I believe that. And soon those days will build into weeks and months.

The more I've been thinking of it, having time to myself I know I need to take time for me. That the only way from here is up. "The future is never as bad as it is know" is something someone close said to me, really struck a cord. I'm not going to let this depression beat me. I have amazing family and friends around me, a great doctor and counselor and I will get better. The first step is accepting that I can't carry on at 100 mph as I have been. I need to take one day at time. Yes there will still be bad days, but I'll learn to cope with them.

I don't want to just be another number, another person with depression. Part of writing this post is to get awareness of mental illness. That it can happen to anyone. But it doesn't have to define you, you can beat it and there is light at the end of the tunnel. 

I've found some really good information on the mind website. So if you want some more information, whether you are suffering from depression or are someone supporting someone with depression I would recommend to head over there and have a read. 

xxx

4 years.

4 years ago almost to the day I walked into my first weight watchers meeting. I was a first year university student, living away from home for the first time and was living off frozen foods. I'd always been large but had put on weight in the 7 months I'd been at university. 

17th may 2010 marks the start of my weight loss journey,I walked into that meeting and weight 16st 12.5lbs. I proceeded to lose 6 stone through a combination of meetings and online, although more successful when through meetings. Whilst studying for my degree and living the full student lifestyle. I never missed out on anything and freshens week in second year I also lost 3lbs!

The last year for me has been tough, mentally, physically and emotionally. I'm not passing the blame for my weight gain but life happens and I'm starting to accept that. For months I was in denial about my weight gain. Still squeezing into my size 12's. Feeling like a fraud when I posted comparison photos and got featured in magazines. But I'm learning that I've earnt that, I'm not the 16stone girl I used to be. 

The last year has seen me fall in love, get a promotion in work, move out from living with my best friend and move in with my boyfriend, lose a baby, be diagnosed with depression and run a marathon. And emotionally and mentally it's taken me a while to catch up. But with help I'm getting there. 

I needn't be ashamed at the weight I've put on, I've always been an emotional eater and I always will be it's learning to cope with situations as they arise and that's what I know how to now. 

As of next week (I'm currently writing this by the pool in 26degrees) I will be returning to weight watcher meetings, they work for me so why change what works? I'm excited to lose weight again, for me. To be healthy, to start running properly again and gaining PR's. 

I may not 5lbs from goal where I was this time last year, I'm more like 3 stone (I don't really know as I haven't stepped on a scales for a while and I won't until I rejoin meetings) but I've grown up, I've learnt a lot, I've accomplished a lot, not many people run a marathon but I have that shiney medal hanging on my mirror reminding me every day I did it! 

I've learnt that weight loss journeys have ups and downs. And this is my new journey, I don't need to look back and regret the weight I've put on, I haven't put the whole 6 stone back on, and if it wasn't for weightwatchers and some good decisions being in the back of my head I would have, but it's more like 3 stone I've put on. I've lost it before. I can do it again. It helped me through the last year and I've come out stronger on the other side. So here's to being back on the wagon, and being excited about it. Here's to being healthy and happy! 

As the title goes "you haven't failed until you quit trying" 

Xxx

The only person you should compare yourself to is the person you were yesterday.

I am terrible for comparing myself to others. I think to some extent we all are, we are all conditioned to, the media portrays photos of what we should be looking like, models in shops are a certain size where ever you go there is something or someone to compare yourself too. And it shouldn't be like that, we should all be proud of who we are are bodies are amazing things and we shouldn't take that for granted.

So yesterday was my first weeks weigh in, I'd had a really good week, gone to the gym for times and done 30 day shred (only once though!) I'd tracked everything that crossed my lips and still had weeklies and activity points left. But due to being time of the month I was feeling very fat and bloated. 

Stepping on the scales I had lost 1 lb. I won't lie I was GUTTED. I'd worked so hard and it wasn't being rewarded on the scales. The number on the scales shouldn't rule us, but sometimes it does. This was made worse by the fact my other half had done nothing, he'd eaten the meals I planned but he hadn't been to the gym once, went out Friday night & drank god knows how many pints & came home and ate a stuffed crust pizza. And he lost 3lbs on Sunday. How unfair is that.?!?!

Now after a rant on twitter and a spin class in which I worked my butt off I was in a better frame of mind and realised that I shouldn't compare myself to him. We have different bodies, different metabolises etc. But I should be proud of myself for having a good week and that I was 1lb closer to goal. Now even more determind to have a good week this week & get the loss I deserve! 

Xxxx

Fall down 7 times, stand back up 8.

I've done this many times before, not blogged, but drawn a line when it comes to my weight loss.

I'll be brutally honest I haven't done weight watchers completely putting my heart and sole in to if for about a year. Yes I've tracked, yes I've weighed but sometimes only the things I want to track, I haven't tracked my binges.

This time last year I was 10st 5lbs and 5 lbs from goal. Then I fell in love, got comfortable and I'm back up to 12st 8lbs. Or I was when I last stood on the scales 6 weeks ago, I'm too scared to today, I will weigh in tomorrow though so I know where I'm starting. I have learnt though it's not all about the number on the scale but I'm back into size 14 clothes and that's not where I want to be! (Can't believe I' sad to be in size 14 I remember when I was chuffed to bits with getting into a 14!!)





It's so easy to blame life, falling in love, loosing the baby, work, the marathon but you know what. My heart just wasn't in it. I always believe when you decide to embark on a weight loss journey you have to do it completely and utterly for you, or it won't work. I remember when I was about 14 going to a dietitian and hating this woman who was trying to tell me what to eat, needless to say it didn't work. I'm thankful though for the last year that I have tracked, even if it is half heartedly because it means I'm not back where I was when I was almost 17st. Yes I have a bit more than I'd like to lose again but I know what works for me, weight watchers, I know I can do it. I won't be going to classes as with working shifts it just isn't possible so I'll be using the online community to keep tabs on me! Thank god for the likes of twitter and blogging!

I go on holiday, the first abroad with my boyfriend in 4 weeks. I'd love to have lost 10lbs by then, which is about 3 lbs a week. It'll be a challenge but it's doable. I've got a gym membership which I've booked classes for the whole of this week, and as well as my usual spin classes I've booked an aerobics class on Wednesday. I've never been to one a) in this gym and b) on my own. So I'll let you know how I get on.

I've planned meals for this week, been and done a healthy shop with the boy (although we still do have Easter chocolate to eat...his not mine...but I'm eating it anyway seen as he didn't even buy me an egg!!!)

As my blog title says....."you haven't failed until you quit trying" and I certainly haven't.