Emotional eating, is a reason many of us have put on weight, it's our go to fix, for some it's drugs or alcohol but for me it's food. When something goes wrong, or even something goes well we eat.
Most of us probably even recognise our triggers, we know when we become full, we know we should stop, but the pain of being full is better than the pain of what we have to deal with. It then becomes a vicious circle; you emotionally eat so you out on weight you then feel even worse so we eat again. Meaning we now have two triggers that set us off - the first initial emotion and the second weight related trigger.
I feel guilty as soon as I put that piece of food in my mouth, I know it's not going to help, but I carry on. Why is this? We're stressed, we're going through a rough patch or even we are celebrating something.
When I first started weight watchers I would have said I was a bit emotional eater, but I learnt throughout my journey ways to control this, ways to manage it. Things like weighing out some chocolate, buying smaller bars. I could still have that little bit to cure my emotions but it wouldn't lead to a downward spiral. Don't get me wrong I could still quite easily have eaten a family sized bar of chocolate and a packet of biscuits. But it's learning ways to basically trick your mind, thinking that you are over indulging when your not. And knowing what you want more, the bar of chocolate or the weight loss at weigh in that week?
The last few months have been a roller coaster of emotions. And I've eaten them. Resulting in a 1 stone weight gain, which I am now fully (most of the time) back on track to get rid of, plus the 1 stone I'd added to my ass since being with the boyfriend.
One of the hardest things I've had to face is my own expectations, the expectation that I should be able to cope on my own, that I don't need to talk about what I'm going through or how it's affecting me. And that expectation I have in my head often sends me into a meltdown. So I'll eat, and if I'm honest I've hidden it from my loved ones. I'm already ashamed that I burst out crying and have a meltdown at least twice a week, I don't want to admit that I'm binge eating too. So there it is, I'm admitting it. I've been really good the last few weeks since I've rejoined weight watchers and started tracking everything. Seeing it written down really is an eye opener.
I have days where I just want to eat a whole bag of cookies, but I know it's not going to help. I'm learning once again to manage my eating, buying the smaller bar of chocolate.
The thing I need to work on right now that I know will help is talking, talking to my loved ones around me, and not being ashamed to have a meltdown. But I guess it's hard to put into words how I'm feeling when I don't even know myself. I guess feeling like I've failed myself, my boyfriend & my family really does take it's toll on me. And no matter how much they tell me I haven't I still don't believe it. I need to stop putting on a front, saying I'm fine when I guess I'm not.
I have amazing family and friends around me and I need to use them more, rather than deal with these emotions on my own. They've been there for me since day 1 and it's hard to accept there help when I feel like I don't deserve it. But you know what I do. So from here on in I'm going to talk to them more, rather than push them away.
Writing this has helped me a) stop eating and b) be a little more honest with everyone about how I'm feeling. It's easier to type to a screen than talk to someones face.
Lots of love