I'm back!!!!

It clicked this morning; what ever that thing is in your head that tells you it's time.
I got up and stood on the scales as was slightly horrified. I weighed in at 11st 10lbs.

I've re subscribed to Weight Watchers online, I can't get to a regular meeting with my shifts at work & online works. I know weight watchers works; and to be honest don't know why I left in the first place.

I am SO excited about reading about the new 360 approach and getting back into the swing of things. I know the first couple of days are going to be the toughest for me but I can do it!!

I'm going to be tweeting what I eat as well as another way of keeping my eye on it. So feel free to go over and follow me at ElinorGM.

This was breakfast this morning:
5 Propoints of yumminess!




A big thank you for all your encouraging words and support lately!

Much love
xxxxxxxxxxxxx

Losing weight isn't just a physical thing.

I'm going to be completely honest with you guys, I haven't stepped on the scales since the 1st January; not because I know it's going to be bad - I sort of know by the way I feel I'm around the 11st 4lbs I was then - my clothes arn't too tight and I don't feel "heavy". But I became so obsessive over losing weight; this last stone - which has been the last stone for about 5 months has been the hardest of them all. It got to the stage where everything I'd eat....even fruit & veg and all that goodness I'd be worrying.

I needed to take time out from it all; this coincided with my head not being in the right place either. Losing weight is not simply about the number on the scale; or your clothes size decreasing - it is such a psychological thing. I'm not sure whether it's because I'm slowly learning to like my body - the body that I have created - or whether I'm more aware of it now than when I was almost 17 st but I think about it all the time; and it seems like it gets me down way more than the old body did. I know it shouldn't but when I look in the mirror I don't see a size 12 person; I see the size 22 old me; and this seems to be getting worse the closer to goal I get. I mean yes I've lost 84 lbs and I know we'll always have flaws but the worse thing that gets me down is the lose skin. This is getting better thanks to my Jillian Michaels workouts; and I know it won't happen over night, and it takes time to get better, but the thought of anyone else seeing me like this scares me.

I mean I used to look at my friends who have always been slim thinking that a size 12 was tiny; and impossible to achieve, I never thought I'd see the day where my wardrobe would consist of size 10-12's and I could borrow my friends clothes. And I still don't believe that I'm an actual size 12.

Today for example I wore some uniform to work - it was a size 18 and literally like a dress on me. Why do I even still have this in my wardrobe? It is somewhere I don't want to go back to.

This is turning into me just waffling on. Any way what I'm trying to say is taking this 3 weeks out; I haven't binged or anything - I've been making wise choices, and exercising. But I'm trying to not to focus on the scale. I've decided come 1st Feb I will weigh and take my measurements, and hopefully by then I will be back in the right mindset to start tracking and get fully back on the wagon. I mean I've lost 84 lbs surely I can kick butt and lose these last pesky 13lbs!!

"you haven't failed until you quit trying" and I sure as hell haven't given up yet!!!

Love as always
xxxxxx

No one said it would be easy

On twitter the other day I was having a conversation when someone said " you can't undo a lifetime of self image over night" This is completely true. When I look in the mirror I still see that almost 17st body, rather than the 11st one I have, and the one I've worked damn hard for. But it's so easy to forget where you've come from and focus to much on where you have to go.

If I'm honest I've been plateauing for about 6 months, I've cancelled my weightwatchers membership and changed to myfitnesspal in the hope a shake up would help, it did but now I'm struggling with that, I'm running, but not as much as I should do ( I mean it takes me a good hour to convince myself to go!!) but the biggest issue is my head is not in the game right now. And I'm worried I'm slipping back into bad habits.

I haven't put on any weight I've remained between 11st 2lbs - 11st 4lbs. But I *feel* bigger. How do you go from losing almost 6 stone and then lose all motivation? I mean I can do it and this is only a blip but sometimes I think maybe I'm not destined to get to goal?

Thinking a kick up the ass is just what I need - so if any of you have a magic wand or a very strong right kick that would be fabulous!

Much love
Elle
xxx

Accountability.

Happy New Year to you all!
Hope you all had a lovely time celebrating whatever you were doing.

Not only am I looking forward to getting to goal in 2013, but I'm looking forward to changing my body, toning up, becoming strong and running more half marathons.

So here's my accountability post. My starting point for 2013.

My weight today is 11st 4lbs. So putting me about 14lbs away from goal. 

My measurements:

 legs - 22 inches 

   waist - 30 inches

hips - 39 inches

arms - 11 inches

dress size - 12

I'm looking forward to progressing with my running, and doing my Jillian Michaels DVD's. I've started the 30 day shred and am only on day 4 but can already feel the difference. 

I may not like what I see in the photo but I know it's a hell of a lot better than this: 

So after 3 weeks of not tracking, tomorrow is back on track food & running wise. 2013 is going to be about focusing on myself :) 

Love as always 

Elle xxx

Goodbye 2012 .....2013 I'm ready for you!!

With New Year literally around the corner, I thought it would be a good chance to look back on 2012. A year that has been life changing for me in more ways than one. And a chance to write down things I'm excited about in 2013. I'm not one for new years resolutions but there are things I'm excited for!

There are many things I'm proud of myself this year for achieving:
One being; reaching 80lbs lost and nearing my target of reaching goal.

Joining weight watchers honestly changed my life; and this year I learnt that this journey is not only about losing weight & inches; although that is a massive part of it. It's about becoming more comfortable in myself, and becoming a better person. I don't think I was a bad person before but I think by becoming more outgoing and confident it has allowed me to develop as person. 

Another thing I'm proud of in 2012 is graduating from university with a 2:2. I now have letters after my name! How cool is that?! 

A third thing that is probably one of my best achievements of the year is running, and completing Bristol Half Marathon, under my target time of 2 hours 20! I came in at 2:19:41!!! 

There are also other things such as moving into a flat with my best friend, getting a full time job, turning 21, becoming an Aunty for the 2nd time and Hackney Weekend as well as countless nights out with my fabulous friends that have made 2012 unforgettable.

As with most things though I'm looking forward to turning my back on 2012 for some reasons as well. Recently ones that I have realised I shouldn't have wasted my time on. But I'm a great believer in no regrets and that every thing happens for a reason. Everything is a lesson to learn from and the last few months of drama have taught me that not only do I deserve more than people give me; I need to believe in myself more and just enjoy life! 

2013 has lots of exciting things for me: I've got Bath Half Marathon in March as well as Bristol Half Marathon again in September, there's a few potential holidays in the pipeline, hopefully getting to goal - as well as becoming fitter as a person. I've learnt lately that the number on the scales isn't everything but it's about being able to love the body I've achieved. And what ever 2013 gives me I'm sure it'll be exciting and wonderful! 

Do you have anything your proud of over the last year or excited for in 2013?

So Happy New Year to you all:) 

Love as always

Elle xxxx

The guilt of eating.

Have you ever eaten something then instantly regretted it? Or regretted it before you'd even eaten it?
Today I had EXACTLY that.

I'd been Christmas shopping and I'd had cravings for McDonalds all morning. I wasn't going to have one because I felt guilty about having not been 100% on track lately, this wouldn't be good. Yet I found myself at the drive through ordering a Chicken Legend Meal. 1083 calories. But you know what it was damn tasty!!

I'm sat here confessing this to you all, because you know what. It is OK to have slips ups, this is the thing about eating healthily to lose weight rather than being on a diet; you can eat what you want.

The reason I feel so guilty is because I know right from wrong, what is good for me and what isn't. I know that I could have eaten those 1000 odd calories in a much better way for my body; but you know what those cravings weren't going to go away and I probably would have eaten them through chocolate or something else equally as bad for me so in a way curing the cravings was the best thing to do.

This journey has taught me a lot both physically, mentally & psychologically and when I'm not 100% on track the thing that I fear most is letting people down. I have always had bucket fulls of support throughout my journey  through friends, family, Twitter, Facebook & blogging. You can guarantee that there will be someone always there to say exactly what you need to hear at that time to get you back on track. It's like when I tweeted & facebooked this picture a few nights ago; the support was overwhelming and it's not that I am doing this for other people. I can honestly say I'm doing it for me; whether those reasons be to be healthier; to be able to fit into smaller clothes & shop in "normal" shops; this is for me. But everyone has always been so encouraging; the thought of those people being disappointed in me scares me.
I'm sure know one will actually be disappointed in me for eating a McDonalds but I still have that guilt!!


So that's my confession for the day and now I'm going to continue bleaching my flat - it's actually rather therapeutic!

Love as always
Elle
xxxx

Laid bare: enough is enough!

There comes a time when you just have to say enough is enough.
This week I have binged far worse than I have in a long time.
Take Friday for example: It was going ok until i got back from the doctors & the gym. I had a bowl of strawberry crunchy cereal (not weighed) with skimmed milk for breakfast. Lunch was fish fingers, lettuce, pickled onions, sundried tomatoes & and a yogurt. Not going to badly until I decided I really was quite emotional & I would cwtch up in my onesie - doesn't mean I needed to eat but I did. Over the course of the afternoon/evening I ate half a bag of those German biscuits you get at Christmas, half a pack of milk chocolate digestives, 4 chocolates off my tree, 3 satsumas and a plum. I then decided it was dinner time so had spinach & ricotta cannelloni with salad. I wasn't in the slightest bit hungry but psychologically my mind was telling me it was dinner time I needed to make a meal.
I'm feeling the effects of eating like this - I'm tired, bloated, hating what I see in the mirror because I know this is not how good my body has looked. I haven't even stepped on the scales because I think the damage I've done would send me over the edge.
And the reason for all of this? Being completely an utterly heartbroken. Men (sorry to those of you who are reading it!!) are really not worth it sometimes! Being in love with the wrong person for the last 18 months of my life; knowing because of the circumstances it wasn't going anywhere and ending it 3 weeks ago has completely and utterly broken me. Stressful details which I can't go into on here have not made it easy and my inner fat girl has turned to food.

Well today - after a fabulous day out with one of my best friends (thanks Bron). I've laughed so hard today until I've cried too many times to count that I realise there is only so long I can mope around for. I can't let one person ruin my hard work, and make me feel worthless for any longer.

This is my line drawn and tomorrow I am back 100% on the wagon. I mean I have a half marathon to run in 9 weeks and currently 5k is killing me!! It may be hard as its Christmas to be motivated but I've come so far I'm not losing where I'm going.

It just goes to show all you need around you is some amazing friends & family and you really can get through anything.

I'm quite proud of admitting this to you guys (if anyone is actually reading) I don't think I've ever admitted one of my big binges like this - the shame is just too much! But getting it all out there makes everything a lot better.

I apologise if this is just rambling I was only going to plan this post until it all started flowing out! Writing from the heart is often best!!

Here's to a good week & roll on 2013!

Love as always
Elinor xxxx